I Don't Want To Be My Daughter's Bestie

Well, the time has come.

The time in my life where I realize that I will never be a “cool mom.” And I am perfectly okay with this.

Please refer back to your younger years for a moment. Back to a time where your mother did something extremely “mom-like” and embarrassed the crap out of you. You may have taken a mental note in your dumb, clueless, teenage head, “When I am a mom I will never do this to my kids!” We’ve all experienced this.

And then we have kids, and then we become the embarrassing mom.

I do not want to be my daughter’s “#bestie.” It is not a goal I have in my life and it is something that I have come to be very passionate about. My mom was not my best friend growing up. I did not run home and gab to her about my first make-out sesh at the ripe age of 15, which I am sure she is grateful for. What mother wants to hear that some long haired, skinny 18-year-old boy was mackin’ down on their 15-year-old daughter? I don’t think I would respond well to this news, “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!? DON’T DO THAT EVER AGAIN, YOU’LL GET INCURABLE MOUTH DISEASES!”

Not an acceptable answer? Good thing I have a few years to perfect my response.

I was probably the last of my friends to have their first kiss. I was the late bloomer. But now that I am a mom myself, fifteen seems so young. Too young. I’ve been told by my friends who are teachers that 6th grade is the time kids start having oral sex and putting their hands places mother’s don’t want them to go. These kids are 12-years-old.

This literally makes me sick to my stomach.

It also makes me want to invest in a blowtorch, so I will have it on hand when 12-year-old boys start approaching my daughter. “Berkley, want to come over and ride bikes?”

“BACK THE EFF UP JIMMY! Or you will be torched.”

I’m sure my husband will fully support this purchase.

I didn’t even know what any of that was when I was 12. Kids these days are exposed to so much filth at such a young age, it’s devastating. This is why I will never be able to say, “I’m a cool mom!” like Amy Poehler (“Mean Girls” reference) when referring to my parenting methods.

I can’t be a cool mom.

I will not turn my cheek when I find an inappropriate note in my daughter’s jean pocket as I’m loading the washing machine. (Wait, what’s a note? I meant text, while I am going through her phone.) You bet your sweet mommy-judgin’ butt I’ll periodically read through her texts. I will never allow my daughter in her room with her boyfriend alone with the door closed, pretending like I don’t know what is going on. I will never be the parent who encourages or allows underage drinking under our roof because “at least they are at home and safe.” I will never be the mom who allows my daughter to stay the night at her boyfriend’s house, even if he is an outstanding citizen who makes straight A’s and spends his free time competing in chess tournaments and volunteering at church camps. I will never allow my daughter to dress like a barely-covered dancer out of “Moulin Rouge,” no matter how in-style it is. Put some clothes on child…no one needs to see your minor butt-cheeks.

Do I sound like a “Hover Mom” to you? For those who are not familiar with this term, Urban Dictionary defines a “Hover Mom” as an overly cautious mother who thinks her kid is in extreme danger all the time and can’t bare to leave it’s side. Hover moms have a bad rap and tend to get made fun of.

Let’s get a couple things straight here. I do not think my kids are in extreme danger at all times and you better believe when a date night presents itself accompanied with a trust-worthy babysitter, I’m leaving their precious sides. Mama’s outta here.

The fact that people have labeled moms who watch their children too closely at the park, or have non-negotiable rules for their teenagers, as something negative, is frustrating. Like being a over obsessive Hover Mom is what is wrong with society. I am proud to say that I hover over my children from time to time. We are parents. I thought our job was to hover on occasion. Has something changed and I didn’t get the memo here?

I do believe there is a fine line when it comes to how strict parents should be. In no way am I saying that my kids will have zero privacy or that I will not develop trust in them as they get older. Kids need some slack, they need to learn to make their own decisions, and most importantly, they need to screw up. They need to learn firsthand that sometimes their poor choices have pretty unfortunate consequences. I believe that this will make them stronger and wiser young adults. My goal is not for my daughter to hate me. I want her to love and respect me, just as I will love and respect her enough to help guide her through her adolescent years.

In fact, I would love to, one day, when the time is right, become one of my daughter’s closest friends, just like my mom has become one of mine. The transition happened after I got married. My mom will never trade in her mom card, but she is now both my mom and one of my best friends. I can talk to her about anything, and that is such a security booster that every woman should be able to experience.

But as of right now, while my daughter is young and innocent to the heavy stuff that the world carries, I am not her best friend.

I am her mother.