The Funny Parents Of Twitter On $#*! Kids Say

“Kids say the darnedest things” is a saying for a very good reason. Because they do. Well, if “darnedest” also covers embarrassing, terrifying, hilarious and totally outlandish, that is.

Mostly, the stuff kids say is funny and entertaining and in a way, it’s a pay-off for all the other indignities they force us parents to endure. For the low, low price of never sleeping again and having no disposable income, at least your kids will provide you with many laughs because of the never-ending stream of ridiculous shit they say. And of course, the funny parents of Twitter are letting everyone else in on the fun by tweeting their kids’ greatest hits. And for that, we are grateful.

1. Points for honesty?

A recurring theme with “shit kids say” is that there’s absolutely no filter whatsoever. They say exactly what they’re thinking. Even if it stabs you directly in the heart.

2. Inquiring minds want to know.

Plenty of adults have probably wondered why vodka can’t come out, so why not juice?

3. Great.

Probably the worst part about things kids say is hearing ourselves in their tiny, innocent, possibility-filled voices. And having it be something far less than wonderful.

4. No filter. Literally. None.

Know how you have those flashes of the most horrifically humiliating thing that could possibly happen to you? Have kids. It will all come true.

5. Once in awhile, they blurt out pure wisdom.

Sometimes, your kids will figure out shit you didn’t realize until halfway through your 30s. It’s these moments where you’ll feel most confident that you’re doing this whole parenting thing right.

6. And then, they turn our own jokes on us.

Thanks, buddy. Thanks a whole lot.

7. They grow up so fast.

They pick up more from listening to us than we think. And that’s rarely a good thing.

8. Your greatest wish turns into your worst nightmare.

Once they learn to talk, you’ll wonder why you ever wished with all your might that they’d stop babbling and say real words.

9. Can we elect this one president?

Us parents are thinking certain things all along. It’s especially funny when our kids climb aboard our train.

10. It sounds pretty horrific, to be honest.

One great thing about kids is how literally they take every single thing they hear.

11. Facepalm.

Ugh. Just…..ugh.

12. Well then.

And then there are those moments where you wonder if you should maybe be sleeping with your bedroom door locked.

13. Try to hide your laughter.

Sometimes, it’s hard to conceal your joy when one of your offspring spouts out such a well-placed curse word you wonder if he might be the second coming of George Carlin. You’ve gotta be proud.

14. Sometimes, they have no chill.

There aren’t many things funnier than a naive and innocent child incriminating himself.

15. Mind. Blown.

And now I’m just picturing a guy in a fedora with a Trader Joe’s reusuable shopping bag running on a hamster wheel while frantically adjusting his skinny jeans.

Happy Weekend, Parents!