In Praise Of The White Lotus Party Pooper Moms

There are no heroes in the third season of The White Lotus, not really. This is not the point of Mike White’s HBO hit series about rich people behaving badly in gorgeous locations around the globe. For me, the point has long been to watch with a bit of smug superiority like ha, I knew it; money doesn’t make you happier, or I check out the outfits or the beautiful locations and daydream about visiting someday. It’s fun and escapist and just bad enough for you to feel good. Plus, this season there were two moms who were absolute party poopers, and I felt deeply validated by them. Because as far as I’m concerned, there be dragons on the other side of midnight. And I have no interest in all of that nonsense.

[Warning: light spoilers ahead for Season 3 of The White Lotus on HBO.]

First there’s Kate (Leslie Bibb), a 40-something married mom from Austin with a really great blonde bob and a deeply impressive rotation of swimwear/cover-up combos. Kate is on holiday with her longtime best friends: New Yorker Laurie (Carrie Coon) and big-time actress from Hollywood Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan). Best friends is somewhat generous since every time the threesome becomes a twosome, they gossip about each other, but this also felt very real. Kate loves to get the dirt, sure, but she also loves to say no to that third margarita and start checking her watch pointedly when the gals are out for the night with three mysterious Russian men.

When Laurie and Jaclyn are whooping it up back at the villa in the pool with these same men, Kate is the one sitting in her pajamas deckside with a cup of tea with a tight smile and a few tentative attempts to end the night. When everyone is feeling loose and reckless and ignores her, off Kate goes back to her luxurious room with her tea and her readers and her phone, presumably to scroll through Instagram in bed like yours truly has been known to do

Kate’s role is to shine at breakfast. To scrub her face clean and climb into bed before the stroke of midnight. To drink a big glass of water and take her vitamins. Kate calls her friends if they are out being silly to make sure they made it home. Kate uses her sharp eyebrows to convey the message, “That’s enough now,” just as she probably does with her own children.

Because Kate isn’t afraid to say “that’s enough” to a fun night out. Kate knows the secret. All bad things happen after midnight. I know this secret too. Every wedding I’ve attended goes south after midnight. People get messy. They do goofy things. They seem to want to have a story to tell about their wild night the next day. A party pooper does not have those stories. And we don’t really want them.

But party pooper-dom can go too far, as is the case with Victoria Ratliffe (Parker Posey). She’s a mother of three young adults, wife to husband Timothy (Jason Isaacs), hater of all parties and socialization and, really, just travel in general. Victoria and I might not be on the same page about much, but here is what I like about her: She knows who she is and what she wants. When she is going for a massage, she has no problem popping her beloved Lorazepam in front of the massage therapist because she gets claustrophobic. When she’s invited to a yacht party full of movers and shakers, she makes sure everyone knows she hates it and can’t wait to get off. “Another boat?” she groans like it’s such a hardship, which is so funny to me. Victoria is happiest back at the villa, ordering afternoon snacks with her family before having an extended nap in her trademark long white nightgown. Victoria is not in Thailand to make friends. She is there to stare at her kids and marvel at how lucky they all are to be rich. I’m not even certain she knows she is in Thailand half the time.

Needless to say, I find myself identifying more with Kate’s den mother attitude. My own friends have accused me of this before, being the mom who has two glasses of white wine at Drag Night and then heads home before the shooters come out. It’s the pull of my comfortable bed, I think. Sometimes when I’m out with friends, I can picture my bed and my nightstand, my cup of tea, and my soft pajamas. And I long for them like a lost lover who has decided to take me back. Suddenly the night out with these people is simply over for me and, yes, I want it to end for them too. Not just because I’m selfish but because I know things will go wrong if they keep at it. I know my one friend will try to get up on the stage if there is a band playing because she always wants to do that. Or someone will say something super horrifying that will sober them up instantly in that awful, regretful way.

I want my friends — my people — to go back to their bed lovers too. To wash their faces and drink water and read a few pages of a book and sleep so soundly. Kate wants this too. Victoria might even want this when she finally gets back home. We all need a friend who is never not in charge, who will hold our hair back when we vomit after taking it too far; who knows that good sleep is king. To that I say: Party pooper moms, unite!

Jen McGuire is a contributing writer for Romper and Scary Mommy. She lives in Canada with four boys and teaches life writing workshops where someone cries in every class. When she is not traveling as often as possible, she’s trying to organize pie parties and outdoor karaoke with her neighbors. She will sing Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” at least once, but she’s open to requests.