All The Movies We Watched As Kids That We Will *Not* Show Our Children
Seriously, what the hell was up with the ’80s and ’90s?
We all have that one movie growing up. Or maybe it was a handful of movies. Whether we watched them once or over and over, there are movies that we look back on as adults and say, “Holy sh*t why on Earth was I watching that as a 5 year old?”
Whether it was scary, weird, or just way, way too sad for a little kid to cope with — it’s a film that you wish you hadn’t seen and will never show to your kids. The topic recently came up on Reddit’s popular Parenting subreddit, where u/Arthur-reborn posted...
A few days ago we were watching something and there was a clip from Old Yeller. My wife and I were talking about it and our 6 year old daughter, who adores all animals especially dogs, asked “When can I watch that movie, I love dog movies!” my wife and I said almost in unison “NEVER.” I'm 40 and still traumatized to this day. What movies from your childhood will you never show your children?
Commenters jumped in with their individual and collective mini-traumas.
“The Brave Little Toaster,” reads one of the most upvoted comments on the post. “There are multiple scenes that are legitimately traumatizing.”
“But damn are the songs catchy,” another replies. “Just cars singing to their deaths — you know, for kids.”
“I saw Alien when I was 8,” said another. “I stopped having nightmares about them... like five years ago.”
“All Dogs Go To Heaven f*cked me up as a kid,” said a third, to which another commenter replied “It'll f*ck you up now too.”
Can confirm.
I’m sure kids have been traumatized by movies for as long as there have been movies. Before Bill Skarsgård and his exquisite mustache terrified us as Count Orlok in last year’s Nosferatu I’m sure some unassuming child got nightmares after watching the silent film Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror. (I know I had nightmares after watching the decidedly PG homage episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark homage 71 years later.)
But while Old Yeller (1957) and the OG Nosferatu (1922) prove that this is not a new phenomenon, I do feel Gen-X and Millennial kids have a unique experience with movies we had no business watching. For starters, because we were unsupervised so much of the time (at least relative to our very supervised kids), we were often exposed to movies that were intended for adults.
Moreover, we came up in a time when “children’s entertainment” started to overtake the more traditional “family entertainment.” Censorship laws were loosening, meaning parents couldn’t just go to any movie with their kids anymore, and filmmakers saw child-centric entertainment as lucrative. But while they were making movies for us, there was no real paradigm for it and things got real weird real fast.
I asked the Scary Mommy team what movies they felt this way about and let’s just say there were some recurring themes. And so, to wit: here are movies that were staples of a ’80s and ’90s childhood that we will not be showing our kids (or at least won’t be showing them until they’re older).
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Whomst among us doesn’t remember the horror of the poor man pleading “Om Namah Shivaya” as an evil cult leader/child abuser ripped out his still beating heart before burning him alive? Yes, somehow, he survived to writhe in fiery agony even without his heart. I probably watched this (it must be said: very racist) movie 50 times as a child. My kids still haven’t seen it.
The Last Unicorn
Between the creepy witch Mommy Fortuna, the wicked King Haggard, the harpy Celaeno (complete with enormous sagging titties), and the ferocious Red Bull that exists to hunt unicorns, the overwhelming, ever-present melancholy of this movie (the titular unicorn is perpetually alone in the world) is the least of a child’s problems when it comes to this movie.
ET
I can’t stress enough that we watch the beloved alien shrivel and die after being tortured by government goons. What radicalized our generation into political action? We saw what they did to Elliott’s friend.
The Witches
You know what kids love? The idea that ordinary women are secretly hiding their gruesome appearances in order to gain said kids’ trust so they can murder them.
And, of course...
The Neverending Story
AKA the movie where we watched a horse die drowning in mud as a metaphor for depression.
Yes, the ’80s and ’90s wrought horrors on screen the likes of which we haven’t seen since, at least not in the sheer scope of weird, creepy nonsense. And one day our children will thank us.
What movie will you be avoiding with your blissfully unaware, shielded kids?
