'Early Bedtime Helps Mom's Mental Health' Says Study Conducted By Captain Obvious

Getting kids to bed earlier is good for mom’s mental state. Oh, REALLY?

In the “no-shit, Sherlock” parenting news of the day, a study has been released that claims getting kids to bed earlier is good for a mom’s mental state. The study is updated every two years, and every two years they come to the same conclusion — moms actually need some time to themselves at the end of the day so they don’t lose their shit.

“This is valuable information for parents, many of whom will know about how important it is for their kids to get lots of sleep overall but not much about how significant the bedtime itself is,” says lead researcher Dr Jon Quach,lead author and research fellow at the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute in Melbourne, Australia. The study showed that children who are early to sleep have better health-related quality of life, and their mothers have improved mental health. Early to sleep for this study is defined as “by 8:30 p.m.”

This is truly ground-breaking. I thought my routine of fighting with my kids about bedtime every night, sweating with exhaustion while I pull pajamas on their squirmy legs, crying as I hear their footsteps emerging down the stairs so they can utter one of their many stalling excuses, and finally collapsing on the couch with a mug of wine at 10 p.m. that I will promptly spill as I fall asleep, was the healthiest choice for everyone. All I need to do is “put them to bed” earlier? Awesome.

“So mums and dads, getting kids to bed early is not just great for them. It’s good for you, too,” said Quach. Thanks, dude. Looking forward to your next study that aims to inform us the color of the sky and the shape of the planet.

Parents of one perfect child under age two everywhere shared the news widely on their Facebook pages, delighting in how amazing their parenting abilities are and how happy their small children who can not yet scale a crib or beg for juice seem to be. Everyone else snickered dejectedly and tried not to steal their joy.

I love how these studies act like there are those of us opting to keep our kids up until some ungodly hour. Um, no. Our kids are still awake because we’ve somehow along the way failed at bedtime. Or we work all damn day and would like to see our children for a few minutes before we put them to bed. Not everything about parenting is a choice. Some things are a struggle and some things are just the way they have to be because of circumstances.

Researchers, thanks for once again studying something that is so painfully obvious it’s ridiculous. Maybe next you can study the benefits of feeding your children three square meals a day instead of letting them graze from a jar of Skittles.