10 Things I Would Trade For 3 Hours Of Sleep

I never knew what tired was until I became a mother. Really down in your bones, down to the core tired, is a whole different animal. That kind of tired makes me say things I don’t mean (OK, I really do mean them, but pretend not to so I don’t seem evil).

Some days I am so tired, I literally close my eyes while standing in the line at the grocery store or — wait for it — while I’m stopped at a red light. Um, yeah, not the safest. I get that. But I’ve only been jolted awake by honking horns once or twice and don’t do it when the kids are in the car.

These days, I would trade almost anything for more sleep, so I’ve put together a list. I’m running a little thin on big ticket items to trade, but there are some sweet deals to be had here. DM me for where and when to make the exchange. These won’t last and are only available on a first-come, first-served basis.

10. Shampoo for a month (like I’m really going to have the chance to use it anyway).

9. My hot black stilettos. Lord knows those days are over.

8. Food for the whole day. Really, I can sustain myself on gummy vitamins and water if I could just close my eyes.

7. Sex for a month. See No. 10.

6. All contact with the outside world for a week. Who needs the outside world when you have InTouch magazine?

5. Facebook for a week. I could use some time off from seeing all the people I know looking all groomed, in a good mood, and out past 7 p.m.

4. Cabernet sauvignon. It will be hard, but a good step toward moderation.

3. My electronic facial-cleansing brush. It really feels great on the old pores. But the thing needs water to work, and let’s be honest, that requires too much effort.

2. My car. Just take it. The AC is broken, but otherwise it’s fine.

1. Texting with my BFF. I love her, but let’s be honest, I’d be screwed if I ever disappeared and someone read all our texts.

Again, I’m available to meet you wherever and whenever for the trade and don’t mind sleeping standing up if that makes it more convenient.

Brought to you by Tommee Tippee, right there with you through the newborn haze and all those tired days.