What to Expect From Your Kindergartner

Dear parents of new kindergartners: As a long time teacher to children like yours, I thought I’d give you an idea of what your children will be doing when in school, in case you are wondering just what to expect…

1. Your son or daughter will go into the bathroom and leave the door open while doing their business. They might even occasionally break into song.

2. Your child will pick their nose in front of the class for about six months, until they are SICK of the teacher telling them in front of everyone to “Get a Tissue!!” Then they’ll graduate to doing it with a hand in front of their nose. THOSE kids are talented, brilliant, and have learned good manners.

3. Your child will forget to go to the bathroom while out at recess, and accidentally pee in their pants.

4. Your child will walk out of the bathroom with their pants around their ankles. Oops.

5. Your child will call the teacher mom, dad, and grandma at some point during the year. The first two will evoke a chuckle, and the latter will result in a shriek and a run to the Hand and Face lotion in an attempt to smooth the wrinkles. She will also probably either take a long leisurely bath or go straight to the liquor store. Or both.

6. Your child will tell an incredibly embarrassing story about you, your husband and your family. More than one. The teacher will chuckle, make a mental note to remember that for the family picnic, and move on to the next child. Teachers also know not to use real names when repeating funny stories. They know that their OWN kids are in someone else’s room doing the SAME THING.

7. Your child will tattle on their best friend, make mean faces to them, and then play house or Lego’s with them all within the span of five minutes.

8. Your child will take a tumble on the playground, get pushed by someone, skin his or her knee and then bounce up and get back in the game.

9. Your son will forget to push his penis down and pee all over the bathroom floor, wall, toilet and his own pants. (He might also throw the wet underpants at the teacher.)

10. Your child will find a way into the teacher’s heart, and she will cheer and laugh and wipe a tear from her eye when your baby reads her first word, writes her first sentence or makes their first friend. It’s what makes it all worthwhile.