7 Things I Wish Someone Told Me When I Was Pregnant

“Hi, I’m Amy, and I loved being pregnant.” *dodges tomatoes thrown at her head*

Telling people you enjoy being pregnant is just like telling people you like Kanye’s music. No one understands.

Now, while Kanye is an insufferable douche, his jams are kick-ass for a long run, but you don’t want to have conversations with him over his latest fashion line.

As for me, I loved being pregnant. And lately I’ve met more and more women who hated their pregnant months, and they believe I’m the prego antichrist. Maybe I am — the jury is still out.

So, whatever your take on being pregnant — love, hate, or indifferent — these are the seven things I wish someone told me while I served as the incubator of my unborn children.

1. Eat All the Things

Yeah, you read that right. Eat. All. The. Things. With my first pregnancy, I craved meat — Italian beef and Giardiniera, sausage sandwiches bigger than my arm, roast beef with horseradish cream. And I ate all of those bad boys. But of course, I felt guilty, and then I ignored my cravings and ate shit that was healthy. You know what happened? I had my baby and still looked like I had just given birth. So, listen to those pregnancy cravings. You are growing a fucking person in there. Splurge on the extra scoop.

2. Your Cape Is at the Dry Cleaners

Most pregnant women are still doing exactly what they did the day before they found out they were pregnant: kicking ass and taking names. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to. So feel free to use your well-earned, sisterhood-given, pregnancy pass when you need it. Say no when you don’t want to do anything that has hit your wall of nope. Just tell them, “My cape is at the cleaners.” Problem solved.

3. Second Hand Is the Best Hand

I only purchased new things for my first child, believing new was the best. Yeah, new is the best to get cracked, peed on, bite marks on, stickers stuck to, and handed down. New isn’t the best for anything involving small children, except mattresses because bedbugs and lice completely freak me out.

4. Ask for Help and Feel Guiltless About Receiving It

When I was pregnant, I had an awkward time asking for help. I thought that I was supposed to be able to accomplish all the shopping and cleaning and decorating and cooking myself. I was wrong. That whole “It takes a village” ain’t just a Hillary book. It’s a true African proverb, so this concept isn’t new.

5. Have Lots of Sex or No Sex

I loved sex while I was pregnant, but I hated my pregnant body. Then my husband told me I looked like a stunning model and suggested that I should maybe audition for that pregnant model show on TV. With one sentence, he made me feel sexy. And believe me, when baby-mama feels hot, the rewards are endless.

6. Splurge on Maternity Clothes

You have nine months that these clothes are going to fit you catwalk ready. Use that shit to your advantage. This is the last time you won’t have to suck in your gut to wear designer. Cherish it. And the resale afterwards is pretty good too.

7. Rock Out With Nesting

Nesting was the greatest part of being pregnant. I cleaned my house, from top to bottom to top again with ease like it was my job. And I hate cleaning. Let’s just say my house hasn’t been clean like that again ever since, because baby and more babies.

The moral of this story, young Padawan, is while you may weigh 50 pounds over your normal mass, have ankles the size of tree trunks, and heartburn that could level a small village every night at 9 p.m., pregnancy is the easy part. Pregnancy is the training that you do for the 5K before you’re elbow deep in shit and projectile vomit. There is a certain unknown wonder while you are pregnant. Enjoy those months while it’s still (sorta) all about you.