How To "Win" Every Fight With Your Spouse

After 16 years of marriage, I am virtually an expert on how to fight. If you too want to come out of all your disagreements a winner, consider following these 10 steps:

1. Feel sorry for yourself. You married an asshole. He doesn’t understand you at all. He probably doesn’t even really love you. You deserve to be totally pissed off.

2. Get busy. Set up a girl’s night out. Rearrange the furniture in every room of the house. Color code the kids’ closets. Give the dog dreadlocks.

3. Look beautiful. Do your hair. Put on makeup. Find something really sexy to wear. Put on his favorite perfume. Make sure he notices you.

4. If you need to ask your husband a question, employ the help of one of the kids … even if he is sitting five feet away. “Honey, will you ask your father if he knows where the remote control is?”

5. Notice projects he hasn’t finished. Mumble loudly to yourself, “How long are these pliers just going to SIT here?”

6. Those adorable couple pictures of you on your bedside table? Hide them in a drawer.

[recirculation]

7. Buy all the ingredients to make your husband’s favorite meal. Unload them in front of him. Put them away and make something else for dinner.

8. Write an angry and mysterious, yet generic, post on Facebook. This can be as simple as, “Some people just don’t get it!”

9. When it is time for bed, migrate to the very edge of your bed until you are practically falling off. Aggressively plump your pillow. Sigh. Roll away from your husband.

10. Lie there fuming. Marinade in your misery. Take a deep breath. Slowly scooch over until your back is pressed up against his back. When he rolls over and puts his arm around you, snuggle in. Say, “I love you.” When he responds, “I love you too,” roll to face him.

Now this part goes one of two ways:

1. You say, “That got totally out of hand. I’m really sorry.” And then you should actually ASK for forgiveness.

OR…

2. You look him in the eye, smile a little and gently tell him, “You were kind of an ass last night.” If he really was an ass, he already knows it. He was probably just waiting until approaching you didn’t feel like storming the beaches of Normandy. Accept his apology and let it go.

Because here is the thing: in marriage it doesn’t really matter who is right and who is wrong. Chances are both parties are a little of each. The “winning” is in the reaching out and letting go. Expect to fight. You are spending the rest of your life under the same roof. You will drive each other bat shit crazy. When you do, you will not always be able to calmly advance directly past GO and to #10. Sometimes you’ll need to cool off and process before you can love again. And, THAT IS OK.

No husbands were hurt in the writing of this blog. Mine was peacefully napping until I woke him for his review and opinion. His opinion is the message is good but he hates #1.