Why I Want to Be Tina Fey's Best Friend

That’s what I would have said first thing this morning when I called her, if I were Tina Fey’s best friend. I’d have already sent over a breakfast of croissants and really good coffee, because I’d know her address ’cause we’re best friends! I’d be her non-celebrity best friend, of course, the one she hangs out with when she doesn’t want to dress up all fancy and just needs to chill out and watch bad TV shows with a good pal.

For her, it would be slumming it, but for me, it’d be awesome. Here’s why I want to be Tina Fey’s best friend:

We Both Love Night Snacking

If Tina is anything like Liz Lemon (and of course she is!) then we know about her love of night cheese. Her frequent mention of snacks on 30 Rock tells me that she’s the one person who won’t blink twice when I emerge from the kitchen at 10:30 at night with a bag of Sun Chips, or a jar of peanut butter and a spoon. Better yet, she’d bring doughnuts.

She’d Tell Me All About the Worst Celebrity Behavior

Did you see her on Letterman last week? Everyone’s talking about how she took her dress off, but even funnier was when she referred to New York’s swanky pretension festival, the Met Gala, as a “jerk parade.”

“If you had a million arms, and all the people you would punch in the whole world, they’re all there,” she told him, as she warned him that retirement would force him to go to all kinds of events he’s been avoiding for the past 30 years. If we were best friends, I would’ve had her come over the day after the Gala and tell me every excruciating detail. Oh, how Tina and I would laugh!

We Could Make Up Our Own Words

I come from a family notorious for its own invented vocabulary, and she’s the woman who gave us “blerg,” “jagweed” and “Lizzing.” We would totally come up with some new ones together, and they’d catch on, and then we’d hear other people saying them, and we’d have to abandon them and make up new ones.

We Could Watch Awards Shows Together, and Do Commentary

OK, this is more leachy than friend-ish. The Golden Globes were never as magnificent as when she and Amy Poehler hosted them, although Ricky Gervais’s first year came pretty close. So we could watch next year together, and I could hear everything she would’ve said if she were still hosting. To make up for not being as clever as she is, I’d provide the snacks.

She’ll Understand My Rants

My poor husband has to sit through a lot of my rants. Most of them have to do with all the weird things the school expects from parents, or the sucky hand women are dealt in a variety of categories. My husband is nice about it, but Tina would actually chime in. Plus, she’d make it even funnier, as evidenced by her good-natured jab at George Clooney during last year’s Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case; was an adviser to Kofi Annan regarding Syria; and was selected for a three-person U.N. commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight … her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.” Perfect.

She’d Bring Amy Poehler

The only thing more fun than hanging out with Tina would be hanging out with Tina and Amy. Am I right?