Police Had To Lock Up Drunk Raccoons Until They Sobered Up

The culprit — fermented crabapples

If you need a little humor in your life (and who doesn’t right now), this next story should do it. Police were called to the scene when residents of a West Virginia town reported seeing rabid raccoons milling about. But after some quick detective work, officers realized the tiny masked bandits weren’t diseased, but rip-roaring drunk.

The Milton Police Department apparently received several calls over the past couple of days complaining about disoriented raccoons and locals were concerned they may be sick with rabies. Luckily they were just absolutely wasted after eating some fermented crab apples.

“We have had calls on suspected rabid raccoons twice over the last two days,” the Milton Police Department wrote on Facebook. “Turns out they appear to be drunk on crabapples.” Apparently, any fruit can ferment as long as there is a presence of yeast or bacteria and an anaerobic environment. How about that, who knew?

Apparently, these raccoons.

Once they figured it out, police officers Scarberry and Collins apprehended the totally smashed offenders, holding them in custody until they sobered up. “Ptl Withers caught one yesterday on Brickyard Ave with the help of the city street department,” the post continued. “Today’s culprit was on Highland Ave and Mason Street and it was a community effort.”

Is anyone else picturing a street full of townsfolk running after stumbling raccoons until the raccoons finally collapse into fits of laughter at the hilarity of it all?

Lucky for the raccoons, police looked into the situation and didn’t just make a snap decision and put them down. “Both coons were released near the woods unharmed,” police said, obviously hightailing it back to search for more of those deliciously fun crabapples.

This isn’t the first time animals have eaten fermented fruit and gotten crazy. In Minnesota earlier this year, an early frost fermented tree berries causing dozens of birds to get pissed and fly into windows. Eventually, the buzz wears off but not before freaking the hell out of people.

But Milton police warn if residents see any more ripped raccoons running around their neighborhood, they should still call local police for help. “If you see a staggering and disoriented raccoon please do not approach it. It could be sick so call us and we’ll take care of it,” they said.

Of course, you could do the right thing and at least set out some Taco Bell chalupas for them. You know, to take the edge off.