5 Ways to Gain Facebook Likes (And be a Total Dick)

I used to write a series of social media and blogging tips until I realized how silly it was to write tips for a medium which is constantly changing. Google + hangout what? The minute you think you’re an expert in this field, something new comes along and suddenly you’re not nearly as swift as you thought you were.

So who am I to judge what’s right or wrong in social media anyway?

Well, I take it back; I’m judging. I’m judging the shady and ridiculous ways people are using to gain Facebook likes because it’s enough already. It’s frustrating to people who actually try and build community on their pages and it’s deceptive for people who use Facebook innocently for fun.

Plus, those pages that crop up and suddenly have 100K likes overnight? They’re getting sold for a hefty profit and guess what, you just made some sketchy creep rich off of your like. Congratulations!

Don’t want to do that? Then avoid falling for these practices…

1. The “I don’t want to seem like an asshole or curse my future children” like. Joey has pediatric cancer. Cancer is bad. Joey is cute. Like if you hate cancer. Like if you love an old person. Like for world peace! Like if puppies are adorable. Like if you support our troops. Like if you love gay people. Like if you are against child abuse. Like if you love your mother. Like, like, like!

Remember “Mallory,” that sweet little girl with Down Syndrome who didn’t think she was beautiful? Her brother posted the above picture along with a plea to like it, in order to prove to his sister just how beautiful the world thought she was. People clicked, more than 3.5 million times. You, go, Mallory!!

Except that it wasn’t his sister Mallory after all, it was actually Katie, the daughter of Terri Johnson and the last thing Terri feels is appreciation for your like. Want to help sick kids or make a difference in the world? You’ll have to do something more than click a button. Sorry.

2. The “let’s let complete strangers make important life decisions for us” like. We’ll have another baby if we get 10,000 likes! He’ll propose for 100,00 likes! She’ll say yes if I get to 250K likes! Is Facebook going to be picking up your dog’s shit at 3AM because she ate a jar of Play-Doh or paying for your marriage counseling because, it turns out, you married the wrong person 100K likes later? No. I’m afraid not.

3. The dead celebrity who’s not really dead phenomenon. This page told you to click if you were sad that Morgan Freeman died. Who wouldn’t be sad that Morgan Freeman died? Except that he isn’t dead, almost a million likes later. Whoops.

4. The type to watch something happen, except nothing does like. You want to see Jesus appear on your screen? Or watch a jpeg come to life and illustrate a bear eating a man? Or receive a hidden message about the secret of life? I suggest you look somewhere other than Facebook.

5. The “share for share” phenomenon, also known as S4S, where pages do nothing but pimp out other pages and beg for a pimp-back. What a lame ass way to interact.

How about we bring Facebook back to what it was once about — actually connecting with people? Can we at least try?

P.S. Those Ugg boots or Cheesecake Factory gift card you’re waiting for from sharing some link on Facebook? They’re never coming.

P.P.S. LIKE MY PAGE OR ROT IN HELL!!!