Viagra Saved My Sex Life

I had sex twice on Sunday, once in the afternoon and once after our kids went to bed. The second time, my husband used the nipple clamp set we bought off Amazon, and if you’ve never used them, holy hell, what the blue fuck are you waiting for?! (Here’s a guide on how to do it safely.) We’re almost forty, and he got as hard as he did when he was twenty-three — but the sex lasted longer. And it seemed bigger. No, seriously, it did. Probably only because it was harder. Still. They should hand out Viagra like candy at every man’s 35th birthday.

Not for him. For his partner.

Why We Had To Go With Viagra

My husband had taken a class of depression and anxiety drugs called SSRIs for years, and, well … his dick’s performance had steadily declined for years. Not that it was bad. But he took longer to get hard. He didn’t get as hard (something I realized later via comparison). Sometimes he couldn’t get it up at all, and that sucked for our sex life: I didn’t want to try again, because it kind of sort of felt like my fault. It wasn’t. But when you both want to bang and you’re confronted with a limp dick, you can’t help feeling some sense of responsibility.

When he contracted a long-term illness and his doctor upped his Lexapro, his performance went from adequate to nonexistent. His psychiatrist might as well have played Taps for his dong when she wrote that prescription. He tried splitting his pills and taking half in the morning, half at night. He tried taking the whole dose in the morning. He tried taking the whole dose right before bed, like theoretically post-sex (or post-frustrating attempt at any sexual activity whatsoever). Nothing worked.

He called her. They’d already tried other classes of antidepressants that have less sexual side effects. Other than his boner issues, Lexapro worked great for him. She shrugged and told him to come in for a Viagra prescription.

And Oh, The Shame!

When you and your partner are pushing forty and their doctor says, “Come pick up your Viagra prescription,” you hear that chirpy commercial voice saying “Talk to your doctor about Viagra!” and warning about erections that may last longer than four hours. You see old people. Like, Baby Boomer old people, with lots of gray in their hair, maybe inexplicably sitting in bathtubs while they gaze into the sunset. And you support old people’s right to bang, you really do, and you hope that when you are old, you will wear purple, with a red hat that doesn’t go and doesn’t suit you, and ho it up in the nursing home. But you are not old.

Yes, there may be some gray going on. And no one cards you anymore. Your high school play list has become a retro joke and youngsters on The TikTok ridicule your side part. But you are not old enough to talk to your doctor about Viagra, goddammit. Even if you remember Miss Cleo telling you to “call now for your free reading.”

Except your partner’s dick doesn’t work right, so apparently you are, and if you want that dick again, you’ve got one choice.

So We Tried Viagra

So my husband filled the Viagra prescription, which insurance covered, because don’t get me started on the importance of his dick function vis-a-vis my epidural. We took it home. He threw down his pill; we fooled around for half an hour and waited.

And oh my God, hit me baby one more time.

And then he did.

His dick was hard. Like, porn star hard. If you are not in your early 20’s, you may have forgotten what it’s like to fuck a porn star dick. Let me refresh your memory: it is fantastic to fuck a porn star dick. Once it got up, it stayed up, it lasted (but not too long), and then, about an hour later, he was ready again. I don’t care how it happened. I would have sacrificed a virgin to get his dick that hard. One stupid Viagra pill? Best deal ever. Thank you, Big Pharma.

Other advantages include that half hour it takes to kick in. Sounds like a disadvantage. No, total win, because you drape yourself over your bed in cute underwear; your partner says, “Should I take a pill?” you say yes; and they spend that half hour paying attention to you. Then that rock-hard erection happens, and you’re oh-so-ready for it. You could always plan for sex — pop that Viagra as you drive home from dinner — and if your partner wants dirty bar bathroom sex he has to prepare for it. But you didn’t really want to bang in the bar’s bathroom, and seriously, once you see that erection you won’t care. I promise.

My husband likes this analogy: Viagra is like a calculator on the SATs. Sure, you can do the math portion without one. But if you have an option, why the hell wouldn’t you take advantage of it?

Viagra has saved my sex life. No: Viagra made my sex life better. You are not old. You should not be ashamed. You will not regret this. Fantastic sex for all!

Talk to your doctor and see if Viagra is right for you. No, seriously.

This is not an ad, just my real human experience.