You Are Abusive AF, Mr. President

On behalf of all the trauma survivors out there who are deeply triggered by our wannabe dictator in the Oval Office, it’s time to say what needs to be said.

Donald Trump, America is really fucking ready to break up with you.

Obviously, we’ve been wanting to end this dysfunctional relationship for a long ass time, but you just won’t go away, Mr. President. Your overwhelming grandiosity, complete lack of empathy, obsessive need for admiration, and total inability to express remorse when you blatantly screw up has been affecting my mental health. Mostly because the character traits I just rattled off are also features of narcissistic personality disorder, a condition you’ve not been proven to have, but let’s just say it wouldn’t surprise me. Rest assured, I know the signs of an abuser when I see them. I spent two decades of my life growing up with someone who verbally and physically traumatized me, and even they didn’t possess the obnoxious pride you seem to exude at being the most self-centered person in the room. You, my fucked up commander-in-chief, are a whole other category of abusive.

As a person diagnosed with complex PTSD from ongoing childhood trauma, I am well-versed in something you’ll probably never have the courage to face, Donald. I’ve spent the better part of six years in therapy, digging into every aspect of my upbringing in an effort to heal my past and evolve into the most conscious version of myself. In the darkest moments of deep fear and shame related to my trauma, I’ve struggled with self-harm, an eating disorder, panic attacks, hour-long muscle spasms, temporary body paralysis, and even suicidal ideation. No human being should have to carry these internal scars around, and absolutely no one should have to be forced to put their faith in a leader who constantly throws salt on their wounds.

When you spewed all over the stage at your recent presidential debate, my arms stiffened up, my body started to shake uncontrollably, and my face contorted into a forced frown. All the familiar panic I’ve become used to enduring as someone who encountered years of abuse as a child found its way back to me, and I fucking hate with the burning fire of a thousand suns that you managed to mentally unravel me in this way. Watching you operate sends an unwelcome jolt to my nervous system, and I say this having never physically been in a room with you.

Even now as I type these words, I am beginning to experience symptoms of my trauma-based mental health disorder. But that’s not going to stop me from writing this. I know I am far from alone in the realization that by not speaking fully out against you, I will just continue to be affected by your abusiveness in silence. And that doesn’t help anyone.

I don’t know any other way to put this, so I’ll just say it in the way it needs to be said. You, Donald J. Trump, are a fucking bully who doesn’t appear to have a noticeable conscience. As you ridicule, criticize, blame, and belittle those around you, you have also normalized verbal abuse in a dangerously public way. You spit-yell your way through just about every conversation, use shame as the ultimate tool in your arsenal, and spout more lies than anyone knows what to do with — especially when it comes to the deadly, uncontained coronavirus. You are gaslighting the shit out of Americans, and I am more than sure that you know what you’re doing.

You also happen to be the only national public figure in recent history who has managed to full-on trigger my complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I’d sarcastically say congrats on being the first U.S. leader to successfully have this effect on me, but I know you’ll most likely take it as a compliment to feed your warped ego.

Because, let’s face it — you are certifiably deranged. And far worse, you are directly encouraging our nation’s youth and adults to follow in your maniacal footsteps.

There is a reason why you are so easily able to screw with my mental health, Don. It’s because I cannot escape you, no matter how hard I try. Much like during my childhood, I am stuck in a toxic relationship with someone who endangers the very core of who I am, and there is no legitimate escape path available at the moment. It’s not like I can ensure that every single person votes you off the island. You have emboldened a cult-like base of some fanatically loyal supporters who ignorantly believe every damn word that spills out of your ridiculous mouth. To be honest, I know that the vast majority of them don’t give a flying fuck if I have a panic attack due of your hateful words and actions, because they are far too invested in the illusion of how you make them feel to think beyond that.

Obviously, I’m not here to plead with pro-Trumpers to take my mental health into consideration when they go to the polls in November. Because I know it won’t do a damn thing to change who they root for. Most are drinking the pathological Trump Kool-Aid and have no plans on stopping.

And why would they? A ton of your most devoted fans have finally elected a president who validates their sanctimonious beliefs in the name of “patriotism.” You pat white supremacists on the back while rejecting the validity of systemic racism. You’ve normalized rape culture with your “locker room talk” while you silence your sexual assault victims. You’ve obliterated the rights of LGBTQIA+ Americans while you continue to selectively praise hate-based violence whenever it serves your narrative. I’d keep going on with these examples, but they are frankly endless, and I am so fucking tired. I say all of this as a white woman brimming with privilege I didn’t earn, so I can’t even begin to imagine how utterly exhausting it must feel to be a Black person or a human being of color living in this country right now.

I wish that polls were a true indicator of who was going to win this election since Biden is currently kicking your ass, but 2016 taught me not to trust an outcome until it actually happens. And so, despite not being the religious type, I will 1) pray to God that she pulls our country out of this relentless hellhole you keep pushing us into, and 2) VOTE for Joe Biden. I simply cannot deal with thinking about four more years of a president like you telling me or anyone else what to do, manipulating the public into believing your lies, tearing down the basic human rights of myself and those I love, and giving high-fives to others who seek to abuse and traumatize.

Your reign of terror and madness needs to end. And I assure you, it eventually will. And when it does, you have my sincere promise. I’m obviously not the first person in this nation to share how I really feel about the abusive menace that you are. And I certainly won’t be the last.