All Aboard! 60+ Train Puns And Jokes That'll Have Your Kids Yelling Choo Choo

Do you have a little one that loves planes, cars, and trains? Why not use humor to teach them some interesting facts about these important inventions, starting with the oldest: trains. What is so fascinating about trains, you ask? Well, it’s their historical importance during the Industrial Revolution, their transformative power in population distribution across the United States, the fact that trains helped transport fresh food across great distances, reshaping how we eat, and even their role in the advent of commuting as working and living in different areas became a possibility. Basically, modern American and world history would have been completely different without trains. While cars and planes opened up other modes of transport for people and goods, trains are still fundamental in our daily lives. So much so that as of 2017, there were over 125,000 miles of railroad tracks in the United States, the most of any country in the world.

If that doesn’t impress your kid then bring up some famous trains in pop culture like Thomas the Tank Engine and the Hogwarts Express. In fact, the Hogwarts Express was such an important and beloved part of the Harry Potter movie and book series that London’s famous King’s Cross Train Station actually features a real Platform 9 ¾ tourists can go visit. Finally, you can also pop on Gladys Knight and The Pips’ “Midnight Train to Georgia” and jam along to this classic tune.

So sit back, relax, and let us be your conductor on this hilarious journey of train puns and jokes that’ll be the perfect break to let off some steam. (You see what we did there?)

1. I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didn’t think I had enough training.
2. How do locomotives hear? Through their engineers.
3. It’s hard to find anyone with more focus than a conductor. They have complete tunnel vision.
4. How does a train avoid detection? It covers its tracks.
5. I once asked a conductor how many times a train he was on had gotten derailed. He told me it was hard to keep track.
6. Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween? They’re running with a skeleton service.
7. It’s a freight day to go for a ride on a train.
8. If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down.
9. The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job. He was there come train or shine.
10. You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails.
11. The conductor was right in the middle of her presentation when she lost her train of thought. Embarrassed, she quickly disembarked from the room.
12. Did you know that train conductors make great thieves? They’re really good at covering their tracks.
13. I was able to pick up a few railway buffers for cheap the other day. I took advantage of an end-of-the-line sale.
14. It’s always great working with a train conductor. They’re always ready to take one for the steam.
15. What does a monster see when it sees a train full of passengers? A chew chew train.
16. Conductors can be quite intimidating when you get them angry. Make sure you don’t yank their train!
17. Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor. They’re quite at-track-tive.
18. There’s a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. I guess he’s just really into one-liners.
19. Even the toughest train engineer needs a brake to let off some steam.
20. A railroad conductor needs to make sure he doesn’t go down the wrong track and lose his train of thought.
21. No matter what, the train I regularly take home is always late. It’s a slowcomotive.
22. Train conductors are clever and known for their engine-uity.
23. The train conductor was feeling silly and decided to wear platform shoes to work.
24. I’ve always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. I guess that’s why I like monorails so much!
25. Being a conductor is more difficult than it looks. Every detail needs to be kept track of.
26. The conductor kept telling me funny train puns, and it was hard to keep a freight face.
27. Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. One of them trains the mind, while the other one minds the trains.
28. I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. You have a locomotive.
29. Why did the ghost get fired from his job at the railroad? He couldn’t coordinate the skeleton service.
30. The train conductor worked hard and got offered a promotion. It was a tram-endous opportunity.
31. The conductor was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along.
32. We ended up canceling our trip because all of our plans went down the train.
33. Always keep an eye on train puns, they can go off the rails without warning.
34. Train conductors are known for their drinking. They can just keep chugging.
35. Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors. (That’s it. That’s the joke.)
36. Railroad workers need to be sure they always keep their train of thought, or else they might go down the wrong track and get someone hurt.
37. I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting sidetracked.
38. What do you call a sick locomotive? A train with a coal-d.
39. How do you make the locomotive Olympics? Train really hard.
40. The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train. They suspected the culprit had a locomotive.
41. Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning. Right at the track of dawn.
42. Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams.
43. The train company had safety issues for years but was always able to cover its tracks.
44. When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on.
45. The conductor’s mailbox is always stuffed with letters. He receives plenty of freight mail.
46. What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat? “Here comes the choo choo train!”
47. How do you find a missing train? Hire a detective to follow the tracks.
48. What do you call a locomotive that keeps sneezing? Achoo choo train.
49. Railroad workers aren’t what they used to be. In the good old days, all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam.
50. I had a friend who quit his gig as a newspaper reporter and took a train out of town. The ex-press train.
51. Why can’t train engineers get electrocuted? They’re not the conductor.
52. No matter where you are, you’ll never see happy railroad tracks. Too many people have crossed them.
53. What’s one easy way to tell if a train just passed? It leaves tracks.
54. No one would ever find out how hard he trained because he never got a platform to share it.
55. A locomotive conductor can only think of one thing at a time. They all have one-track minds.
56. I went to a throwback party at the train station. Everyone had on platforms.
57. Did you hear about the man who took the 6 o’clock train home? The police made him give it back.
58. I swear train conductors never get in trouble. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card.
59. I always like chewing gum on the train. Unlike teachers, locomotives always tell you to choo choo.
60. I was going to ask the conductor a question when he walked by, but I was too afreight to ask.
61. The troll that lives under my local railway bridge really is my arch enemy.
62. I like to share a train pun or one-liner. I’ve always been driven by the joy of monorails.