Dear Men: You're In The Bathroom Too Long, And It’s Bad For Your A**hole

OK, maybe there are exceptions, but almost all of us have at least one male in our lives who takes a fucking century to drop a deuce. We get it: life is hectic, stressful, and annoying. We could all use a break every now and then. But spending more than a few minutes on the porcelain throne is just too freaking much.

And don’t even get me started on the double-standard that happens here, because if I were to lock myself in the bathroom for more than two minutes, each of my children would turn into the devil incarnate. The neighbors would be calling 911 because of the sounds of tortured screams coming out of my house, and if the house wasn’t literally set on fire, it would be a goddamn miracle.

Now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way, I want to straighten some things up. First, of all, unless you have IBS, colitis, some other intestinal disorder, or are in the middle of an episode of explosive diarrhea, it really shouldn’t take more than a few minutes to plop your puppy nuggets into the fudge pot. Not only that, but sitting on the poo canoe for too long can actually wreak havoc on your butthole.

I’m totally serious here—and science backs me up on this.

Let’s talk about how long it should take to do the deed. According to a study published in Soft Matter (no joke: I swear this is the name of the journal), it takes mammals an average of 12 seconds to unload the shitnuts. That’s regardless of the size of the poo or the size of the animal. We’re not just talking about bunny shit here, people. As New Scientist explains it: “[T]he normal, low-level pressure animals apply to push through a bowel movement is constant, and unrelated to a creature’s body mass. This means that, whether it’s a human or a mouse, the pressure used on normal excrement is the same.”

Got it, dudes? Unless there is something serious going on, you do not need more than a few seconds or minutes to throw down some brown. We are on to you: we know you are not actually slamming a dookie when you sit there in the poopmill for 30 minutes while we have multiple children hanging off our appendages. After that first minute or two, you are doing something else entirely in there (and believe me, we don’t want to know).

But besides all the eyerolls and complaints (which, by the way, we are totally entitled to), it turns out sitting on the crapper for that long is not good for your chocolate starfish.

I did us all a favor and caught up with a few doctors to weigh in on this. Dr. Sergey Kantsevoy, M.D., Gastroenterologist and Director of The Center for Therapeutic Endoscopy at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore, Maryland, says that sitting on the shitter for long periods of time can cause or exacerbate hemorrhoids.

Dr. Kantsevoy tells Scary Mommy that even if you are not straining, sitting with your rectum unsupported and in the incorrect position (as it is when you sit on a toilet), can cut off the blood supply to your rectum, thereby causing hemorrhoids. And let’s be clear: hemorrhoids are no joke. Symptoms can include itching, swelling, and bleeding after you poop. If clots are formed (thrombosed hemorrhoids), they need to be lanced and drained. Fun times.

It’s not just hemorrhoids you need to worry about, though, says Dr. Jonathan Lazare, MD, a urologist who practices in Brooklyn, NY. Dr. Lazare explains to Scary Mommy that sitting on the can for more than a few minutes on a regular basis can cause rectal fissures of the anus; it can increase the chance of hernia formation; and could possibly even exacerbate male varicoceles (which are basically varicose veins inside the scrotum).

But the worst part is that this practice could contribute to something called rectal prolapse, says Dr. Lazare. And yes, rectal prolapse is just as bad as it sounds. It’s where your rectum begins to slide directly out of your butthole, and often requires surgery to correct.

No. Just no.

Of course, rectal prolapse is not nearly as common a side-effect as hemorrhoids, says Dr. Lazare, but it’s something to watch out for. And holy shit on a shingle, I don’t think that’s something anyone should take a chance with, just for a few extra minutes in the poopatorium.

“Do what you have to do and leave,” says Dr. Lazare, regarding bathroom habits (for both men and women, mind you). Both doctors recommend leaving any reading materials or cell phones at the door, and just not bringing them into the turd closet.

Ladies, don’t you just want to plant a million kisses on these fine doctors? We finally have solid evidence against our men’s infuriating bathroom habits. I mean, it’s not that we don’t want our men to get a chance to relax and unwind every now and then. But how about we arrange a time for that—cooperatively? And how about not when it’s right in the middle of our busy family lives?

It’s just not right that men get to plant their tushies on the ass gasket ’til kingdom come while we are working our asses off trying to keep the kids alive and fed.

So listen up, men: The loo is not a library, or a texting station. It’s not a man cave, or your personal fucking spa. Going to the bathroom should not amount to a two-week vacation on a five star cruise line.

For real. Do what you gotta do, and then get the hell out. Your wife, kids, and even your asshole will thank you in the end.