10 Shitty Things Parenthood Taught Me

Before I gave birth, I was offered loads of parenting advice.

“Sleep now (because you won’t later).”

“Go on a date now (because you won’t later).”

“Take a long shower..”

You get it.

But what nobody told me – not one singular person – is just how much my world would revolve around poop.

No. Seriously.

One of the greatest life changes parents will experience is a bizarre, constant exposure to all things poopy. And today (you are welcome) I am sharing 10 poo-related things you never wanted to know–but inevitably will.

Because kids.

1. The Bad Idea (aka The Finger Swipe). A mistake that new parents will make at least two times. It begins with curiosity: Does baby have a wet diaper? Or is it something more? Then comes the horrible mistake of using the finger to ever-so-slightly liiiiiift the diaper. Quick check, you think? Not so fast. Fact: When you finger swipe the diaper, 100% of the poop will be sitting in the one inch area you lift. Time to wash your hands.

2. Chocolate vs Poop Debate. There is literally no excuse for this. But it happens. I’m guilty, and you will be too. Your sweet little angel comes running up to you with a brown smudge on her cheek/chin/shoulder/wherever. Then comes the scratch-and-sniff (or God forbid, scratch and LICK) test. I’ve seen it. This is really the Russian Roulette of parenting. Best case scenario: old chocolate. Worst case? Take my buddy Frank’s advice: “Your default reaction should always be: It’s poop.”

3. Mystery Smell of Unknown Origin. Oh, this one. You are certain there is poop–but where? Your kid is stripped down to a clean diaper. Your hair is in a pony tail. Your shoulder is all-clear. But that smell! There is only one solution to this problem. Two baths and a change of clothes. Sorry–I know it’s a pain. But it really beats walking around smelling like a Diaper Genie.

4. Raisins. I’m sorry. I couldn’t not bring up raisins. Sure, non-parents know this happens. But seeing it is totally different. It’s amazing, really. Nuclear fall out shelters should be built with shriveled up grape skins. Just a thought.

5. Poop is Funny. No–It’s Hysterical. Here’s a money-saving tip. For your son’s 8th birthday, skip the creepy clown. Instead, ask his cool uncle to come bearing potty jokes. There is nothing under the sun funnier to a kid than a potty joke. Just say “poop” and the giggles never end.

“Poop.”

(tehehehehe)

6. You’ll Never Do It Alone Again. Ever. A trip to the spa is not happening anytime soon for this SAHM. But I would happily settle for ten minutes alone in the bathroom. Maybe that’s too ambitious. Make it five. I’m not kidding. It’s on my Christmas list.

7. Blow Out. Murphy’s Law of Parenting: The day of a public blow out is the one day EVER that your diaper bag doesn’t have a change of clothes.

8. Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the Poos. There will come a day when you bring your kid to the pediatrician. And on that day, he will look at you, all smart-looking in his immaculate white coat and ask, “So what else have you noticed?”

And it will erupt from your mouth before your shame has a chance to catch up. “Well, his poop has been weird.” And then, as if that’s not bad enough, you will describe it. “It’s been all–you know, like…weird…and…”

I’ll spare the details. Because it’ll happen to you.

9. It’s Something To Celebrate. You never knew just how wonderful poop was until your kid couldn’t do it. For a week. And on that glorious day that The Event finally occurs, you’ll be buying a cake and candles. It’s that awesome. I’ve never clapped and “yay-ed” so foolishly in my life. And after days of sleepless crying and tummy aches, you will too.

And oh, the tenth thing?

10. Parents Talk About It. Perhaps behind closed doors–or maybe even on blogs. (I’ve always been a little edgy like that). But it will be talked about.

Because it happens.

Related post: 10 Gross Things Kids Do… Even Yours