This Vibrator Costs $15,000 In Case You Want To Throw Some Money Away

If you have some extra change lying around after the holidays that you’re ready to burn through, maybe you’re debating whether to put it towards your kids’ college fund or buying a $15,000 real gold vibrator to do you a solid. I mean, who hasn’t fantasized about putting a smooth, lavish gold front-end loader between their thighs instead of putting some money in their kids’ college fund?

I know, decisions are hard.

So, now that your curiosity is piqued and you are thinking of forgoing family vacations for the rest of your life so you can get your hands on one, allow me to introduce you: Her name is Inez, and she makes us wonder, Who the fuck needs diamonds, a new car, or should consider donating to good causes when such exquisite twat tools are here to tempt us? Remember, she isn’t some hollow disappointment like the chocolate bunnies you find on display every year during Easter; she’s solid gold through and through.

I mean, yeah, she’s a beaut and all, but I’m not shelling out $15,000 for anything unless it can watch my children, clean my house, and make carbs burn fat while telling me how pretty I am every day.

Lelo, the company who sells Inez, describes this fancy slip-n-slide as “perfect for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure.”

Really? You can’t? Because I just drank the last of the holiday cookies from their bag over the kitchen sink in my thermal long underwear and chased them with cheap wine. It didn’t cost me a dime and was the most fun I’ve had all week. I totally could have buzzed one off afterward, too, with a very reasonably priced vibrator, but that was enough excitement for one evening. Also, moms are kickass budgeters and I assure you, they can and will put a price on pleasure. You can keep your gold tumbleweed tangler, I’ve got bills to pay and other vices to feed.

Lelo goes on to describe the gold vibrator as being “luxurious for that dressy but boring party.” Because, of course, people go to stuffy parties and throw their sex toys in their purse to whip out in hopes of loosening things up as fancy hors d’oeuvres the size of peanuts are being passed around. That’s not weird at all.

Another feature is its “beautiful silhouette for sumptuous pleasure” since it’s “sculpted to target the G-spot.”

Hmm, you know what else is sculpted to target the G-spot? Of course you do, many things that do not cost so many fucking dollars. But wait, Inez also has 8 settings — just like my vacuum cleaner and favorite blender.

Believe it or not, some women have actually shelled out the cash for this pink taco-tickler and left reviews, saying things like”adding temperature changes to a dildo sent me TO THE MOON.” I’d say that’s quite the expensive heating bill for your vagina. And wait, isn’t there a lube for that? My $7 bottle of K-Y warming jelly and hand-held shower massager has totally sent me to the moon with all the warmth they provide so I win.

Another woman with money to light on fire was so excited about her golden clit stick, she left a review while using it and said “It was so wonderful. Thank you. It’s still in.” I’m thinking I need to take her on an adventure to spice up her life a little. For instance, I just went to Target and got a big ass Toblerone and killed an hour in the makeup section, and if that’s not living, I don’t know what is. It was better than every single orgasm I’ve ever had.

So, if you’ve always wanted to get a luxury item in your vagina, and be the envy of all your friends, this is your big chance. But I highly recommend trying out a cheaper vibrator first because gold vibrators don’t possess magic abilities or perform botox, and let’s face it, I highly doubt anyone will be jealous if you get off with a gold vibrator or a cucumber. But a giant Toblerone all to yourself in Target? That’s the stuff people really covet.