This 'Tooth Monster' Doll Is The Stuff Of Nightmares

When “Silence of the Lambs” and Pinterest collide, you get the Tooth Monster Doll.

When you feel you should add a trigger warning while writing about a toy, it’s probably a sign that the toy shouldn’t exist. Yet, here we are. The soulless abomination that is the “Tooth Monster Doll” is all over Facebook right now and the reactions are mostly pure horror. As they should be.

Seriously you guys, hold me. This stupid doll is going to haunt my dreams for weeks.

Moving on. Are your kids losing their baby teeth? Do you feel some weird parental/serial killer urge to retain these precious pieces of your baby as evidence they were once little? It’s OK. Plenty of moms and dads have a little container or envelope where they keep a few, or if they’re really committed, all of their child’s baby teeth. While some might find it odd, it’s safe to say that no one will shudder at the idea of a keepsake box full of baby teeth stowed away somewhere in your bedroom.

It’s when you shove those teeth inside a stuffed toy‘s mouth in what can only be described as dabbling in the macabre that people might start to look at you funny. Parents, allow me to present in all its nightmarish glory, the Tooth Monster Doll.

The first question that likely comes to mind as you take in such a heinous creation is, “Why?!” followed closely by, “Seriously, WHY?” and then recoiling physically as you imagine this unholy being watching you sleep. Licking its teeth. Waiting. Oh dear God, save me.

Look. It’s understandable to feel sentimental where your kids are concerned. I’m not totally hard-hearted. I saved a few of my daughter’s pacifiers and locks of both kids’ hair from their first trims. It’s absolutely normal to want to hang on to these things as a memento of their childhood. However, it’s just not right to make what appears to be a voodoo doll with a gruesome grin full of your kid’s baby teeth. There’s little room for argument here, everyone. It’s simply wrong.

In this parenting culture where we feel pressured to make everything special, magical, crafty or Instagram-worthy, it’s possible some have lost sight of what makes a good and socially acceptable keepsake. A good keepsake should invoke feelings of love and nostalgia. Not nausea and night terrors. Seriously, look at that tooth monster’s eyes — are they following me?! There is simply nothing lovable or cute about this thing.

The next time you think you might want to play Arts and Crafts with your child’s baby teeth, take a step back and log off Pinterest. Then, get a cute little box or go the practical route with a Ziploc baggie and drop them in. When you’re done, hide them under your bed. Because honestly, cute as they might seem to you, no one else wants to see your kid’s crusty, old, bloody teeth. And they definitely don’t need a new life as nightmare fodder for everyone on your Facebook feed.