The New Teddy Ruxpin Is Here To Star In Your Nightmares

Teddy Ruxpin reboot is even creepier than the original

Fellow children of the 80s, gather round. There’s yet another toy from our younger years getting the reboot treatment but you might want to make the kids leave the room before checking it out because, holy shit.

Teddy Ruxpin is back. And this time, he’s out for blood.

Remember the original Teddy Ruxpin? He was a talking bear with a cassette player built into his back (because that’s not at all disturbing) so he could read you stories on tape with his hypnotic voice. His mouth would move up and down and his dead eyes would slowly blink. He was pretty god damn creepy in his own right and in case you’ve forgotten just how creepy, here’s a refresher.

Jesus Christ, hold me.

I vividly remember my pudgy preschooler fingers frantically removing Teddy’s batteries before bed each night as I was completely convinced he would kill me in my sleep otherwise. I was also convinced that removing the batteries might not even affect his powers and that he would slowly turn his head once I’d nodded off and watch me sleep, waiting for the right moment to attack. Shudder. We definitely had a love/hate (love/fear?) relationship and the peace between us was always a tacit one.

Now, the new version has my adult self almost as rattled because, look at it.

I’m going to call him Teddy WhatTheFucksPin™.

According to Mashable, the original Teddy debuted in September 1985. 31 years later, Wicked Cool Toys has replaced his backside cassette deck with an iPad app but the demon within apparently remains. His eyes are bright blue and animated, sparkling with ideas of murder. They shift back and forth uncomfortably as he speaks, oh and one other thing, they change to other shapes. Like, red hearts, spinning snowflakes and a super dilated version that makes him appear literally possessed. It’s hard to imagine a child not being completely horrified by it.

This all new version with extra-added evil makes me long for the days when Teddy’s eyes simply moved instead of glowing with the fires of eternal damnation. It’s as though a bunch of executives gathered in a room and brainstormed how exactly to make children dive under their covers in terror. Judging by the result, they’ve succeeded.

You can relax for now, though. Teddy 2.0 won’t be available for purchase until August 2017. You can spend that time making friends with a few priests in case one of these agents of Satan finds its way into your home for Christmas.