These End-Of-School Year Teacher Gifts Will Hit The Thank-You Sweet Spot

Teachers need love too. After all the time they’ve spent with your babies, all the instruction, all the mandated testing, all the hugs and love and praise and encouragement (even when that encouragement might have been a swift kick in rear end and a parent-teacher conference), your child’s teacher deserves a thank-you. Not the hundred-dollar Banana Republic gift certificate that one mom will waltz in with and lay conspicuously on their desk, making all of us look bad. But something cool. Something funky. Something that says, “I know you’re a real person with a real life, and you take time out of it to care for my kid. And for that, I’m grateful.”

At a loss? Here are some tried-and-true Scary Mommy suggestions to hit that awesome thank-you sweet spot.

Consider one of these retro adult coloring books. Exactly which coloring book you go with depends on the age and proclivities of the teacher. A good choice for a young and hip fashion-conscious teacher might be Groovy Fashion of the ’70s.

Or you can be daring and go for the sweary ones. We recommend these two:

Just for the love of all things holy, don’t get them the Star Wars one unless they have a Chewbacca bobble head on their desk. And make sure to round that gift off with a pack of markers — and not the washable kids’ ones you find scattered all over your house. Nope. They make markers for adults too.

The Plant Theatre Funky Veg Gift Box means your fave teacher gets a box filled with several kinds of seeds — purple carrots, yellow courgettes (which is so heirloom I don’t know what the fuck it is), striped tomatoes, red delicious brussells sprouts, and multicolored Swiss chard. It comes with everything you need to plant: seeds, peat pots, peat growing pads. All you have to do is water them. If you’re a hippie, and you suspect the teacher may be a hippie too, this is your bonding experience.

Every teacher is going to get their Starbucks gift cards. But for them to work, they have to drive their ass to Starbucks. You’re handing them a 4-pack of Starbucks Double Shot (we at Scary Mommy recommend two packs if exam week has not yet happened) of enough sweet, sweet caffeine to keep them from killing the children — and to keep them awake enough to grade all those essays they were foolish enough to assign. Never assign essays, teach. Never.

Or go to Amazon’s red wine page. Then pick something. Anything. Is it red, potable, and under 25 bucks? You’re doing good. Because, and let’s be honest here, at the end of a long day of teaching, they’re not looking for quality. They don’t give a fuck about the terroir or the price or the whether the grapes were lovingly picked by moonlight by a burly man named Jacques. They care that that shit goes down smooth, stays down smooth, and keeps on going down ’til the bottle’s gone. Oh, and you don’t have to wrap this present. Just stick a card on there and be the cool mom who brought the booze.

Start any female teacher’s summer off right with a shirt that proclaims the ethos she ought to be embracing. Don’t know her size? Guess an XL, tell her you thought she could wear it baggy, and tuck a receipt in the bag. At the very least, she’ll wear it to bed. This image is leagues from her professionally coiffed teacher style, and you can bet she’s the type who takes off her bra the second she walks in the door. She will love this. She will live this. And you’ll know that you helped her, in some way, to fucking relax already.

The only thing better than coffee? Something enduring to drink it in. And by “enduring,” I mean “emblazoned with something mildly offensive and misanthropic.” We here at Scary Mommy like the ones they can actually take into the classroom — no F-bombs ‚ but that share a certain je ne sais quois of snarkiness. I’m Sorry, Did My Eyes Roll Out Loud? is a staff fave.

However, the best for a teacher might be I Don’t Have the Time or the Crayons to Explain It to You.

You know the only thing more relaxing than a coloring book, a T-shirt, and some freaking coffee? An actual spirograph. And you don’t want to skimp on this shit. Buy them the Retro Super Spirograph. It has a 50th anniversary die-cast wheel, whatever that means, but it harkens back to our childhood. It’s got straight tracks. It’s got curved tracks. It’s got wheels. Basically, this thing can bliss them out for an entire afternoon. They’ll feel like they’re 8, but in a good way, and the designs will look so good they’ll want to frame them. And with the handy carrying case, they can take it wherever they want — like Starbucks.

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