Stop Putting Random Sh*t In Your Vagina

We’ve all heard about douching, and with most doctors advising against it, you don’t see many Summer’s Eve ads anymore.

Apparently the message hasn’t sunk all the way in, though, because people keep thinking of whack-ass shit to shove into their beloved bearded clams. We don’t need to fucking put anything in our fine china because it is fine enough already, folks.

I’m not talking about Captain Winky or your favorite chick stick. I am talking about other foreign objects and strange practices, like:

Jade Eggs for Your Sacred Place

Jade eggs were once used by Chinese royalty to keep their peach in peak condition for their emperors and now have come back into fashion. They have been said to increase pleasure, energy, and balance — to your vagina. Some women sleep with the egg inserted into their tampon tunnel, while others feel too much energy from the egg (good sign to get it the hell out of your body). One woman told Goop when she has her jade egg inside of her, people seem to be more attracted to her. So if you are looking to bring more men to the yard, screw that dating site and sexy lingerie — just purchase some ultra-expensive rock eggs instead.

Here’s what Madge The Vag says about keeping your vagina clean:

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Collagen to Enhance Your Sexual Experience

Also known as a “G-shot for your G-spot,” women are paying lots of money to get injected with hyaluronic acid to tighten up their vaginal tissue by making it thicker, and hey, it can be done during your lunch hour! Hard pass for me. I’d rather spend that time eating a burger. Keep those needles away from my lips — both sets.

Steam With Herbs for Balance

Just stop it. Your pink canoe is not a tea bag, nor does it need to steep. Who says it needs to be balanced? We have gone too far with this balancing shit. How about balancing our lady bits by having sex or masturbating? Forget the damn herbs, give me my rabbit, 10 minutes behind a closed door, and leave me the hell alone. That’s all the balance I need.

Vajacial

A facial for your cave of wonders to leave your vagina misty and glowing. This procedure starts with a wipe-down, then is followed by a sugar scrub, hot towel treatment (which sounds rather lovely, but I can do that at home while while eating chips), and a V-mask — yes, that would be a mask someone else slathers on your crotch, fucking awkward. I would rather spend the money on a pedicure — people actually see and compliment my toes. My vulva doesn’t need to glow, and if I wanted it to, I could bedazzle it because that is a thing too.

Vagina Mints

Seriously, people, mints are meant to freshen your breath not to be swallowed by your love muffin, but if you really have the urge to feel icy coolness in your slip-n-slide, I have a treat for you: A friend told me she ate too many all-natural mints from the crunchy grocery store and felt minty-fresh breezes in her vajayjay the day after. True fucking story. Now go get yourself some so you can enjoy fresh breath and a fresh lovin’ oven without inserting an Altoid in your downstairs.

Seriously, ladies, don’t put foreign things into your vagina. It doesn’t need to be “balanced.” It doesn’t need to glow, be used as an egg carton, or smell like toothpaste.

Your vagina, vulva, uterine wall, and clitoris all know what their jobs are. Let them reach their full potential and be the masters that they are without assistance.

I want to have T-shirts made that say, “Stop doing mean things to your love canal. Just love it the way it is.”

Please stop. Vaginas everywhere will be thankful.