Just 38 Funny 'Simpsons' Parenting Quotes That Feel Oh So Real

Here’s the thing about parenting advice: you have to be careful who you take it from. If you came across, say, a mom like Marge Simpson, you could learn a thing or two about warmth, love, and helping your children thrive. You can also pick up some awesome tips on how to style your hair to make it stand a solid three feet on top of your head.

You could also run the risk of getting some awful, no-good tips on parenting from a father like Homer Simpson. If he wasn’t a beloved buffoon and cartoon character, we would definitely call the authorities on him. It’s actually thanks to his bad parenting yet innate heart of gold that The Simpsons has been the American family for over 30 years (move over, Kardashians). The family is so iconic their most popular lines keep getting love years and years later. In fact, according to the latest search data available to us, Simpsons quotes has a search volume of nearly 10,000 per month. So in honor of Marge and Homer, we’ve rounded up the funniest, most ridiculous Simpsons quotes about parenting and childcare. Because if you can’t laugh at the ridiculousness, what can you do?

1. Lisa: Dad, just for once don’t you want to try something new?

Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

2. “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.” — Homer

3. “The key to parenting is don’t overthink it. Because overthinking leads to … what were talking about?” — Homer

4. Bart: Dad, I can’t believe you’re risking my life to save your own.

Homer: Son, you’ll understand one day, when you have kids.

5. “Well, it’s 1 am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.” — Homer

6. “Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.” — Homer

7. “D’oh!” — Homer

8. “Marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail.” — Homer

9. Homer: But Lisa, if this works all Daddy’s lies will be true. Don’t you want all of Daddy’s lies to be true?

Lisa: I want a Daddy who lives in the real World!

Homer: To Daddy, the real World gets fainter and fainter every day…

10. “Well, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.” — Homer

11. “Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.” — Homer

12. “Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!” — Homer

13. “There’s no shame in being a pariah.” — Marge

14. “Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.” — Marge

15. Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don’t hit Maggie. She’s just a baby.

Homer: [slapping Bart] Don’t hit Lisa. She’s a girl.

Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!

16. “Marge, can I go out and play?” — Homer

17. Lisa: History is written by the winners, Dad.

Homer: I thought it was written by losers.

18. Bart: I’m done working. Working is for chumps.

Homer: Son, I’m proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

19. Marge: We don’t have room for another child.

Homer: We’ll let Bart sleep in Lisa’s room until he leaves home.

Marge: Won’t that warp him?

Homer: It didn’t warp my Uncle Frank.

Marge: What happened to him?

Homer: He joined that Cult. I think he’s Mother Shabooboo now.

20. Bart: Homer, your half-assed underparenting was much easier to put up with than your half-assed overparenting.

Homer: But I’m using my whole ass!

21. “Kids are the best. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all.” — Homer

22. “It’s like I always say, a kid can learn more in an airport than he can in any school.” — Homer

23. “Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!” — Homer

24. “Why you little!” — Homer

25. “I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I think there’s a little al-key-hol in this punch. — Marge

26. Homer: “I’m sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we’re the worst family in town.”

Marge: “Maybe we should move to a larger community.”

27. Homer: “Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”

Marge: “Oh Homer, don’t say that. The way I see it, if you raised three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger you must be doing something right.”

28. Marge: “Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don’t understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils. Things on TV that are completely inappropriate for young viewers. Things like the following half-hour! Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight’s show—which I totally wash my hands of—is really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them in early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.”

29. Homer: “How you doing? Peace be with you! Praise Jebus!”

30. Homer: “That was the most incredible experience of my life! And now, to find my family, save my town, and drop ten pounds!”

31. “You don’t win friends with salad.” — Homer when Lisa turns vegetarian

32. “Seems I’m full of rage.” — Marge

33. “I hope you understand I’m too tense to act like I like you.” — Marge

34. “You know, the court system may not be working anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.” — Marge

35. “C’mon Marge, we’re a team. It’s ‘uter-us’ not ‘uter-you.'” — Homer

36. Edna: “Those two boys of yours weren’t delivered by the stork.”

Flanders: “Yes they were. We deliberately chose a Doctor Stork so we could say it without lying.”

37. Rod: (to Ned) “Daddy, what are you doing?”

Ned: “Imploring people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish a man who meant no harm for something nobody ever saw, that’s what I’m doing!” Rod: (after exchanging a worried look with Tod) “Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.” Ned: “First things first!”

38. Ned: “Suppertime, boys!”

Rod: “Oh boy! Liver!” Todd: “Iron helps us play!”