Sex As A Reward For Housework? Ladies, Please No

“Is there anything sexier than a man doing the dishes?”

“My husband watched the kids this morning while I went grocery shopping. I guess now I owe him a BJ!”

“My man vacuumed. God, that makes me horny.”

Err…I’m sorry, but what the fuck?

Why do I keep hearing women say stuff like this? Why do I keep seeing articles and silly videos about it everywhere? According to the whole freaking internet, there is nothing hotter than a husband who does his fair share of chores around the house, and it is incumbent upon his wife to offer him sexual rewards in return.

I just don’t get it.

You know what I think when I see my husband doing the dishes? Nothing. Not a damn thing. That’s what we’re supposed to think when the person with whom we inhabit a house does their share. We shouldn’t be expected to muster up anything more than thumb-twiddling boredom and unimpressed indifference. We should be all, “Oh, hey, a dude doing housework just like he’s supposed to. Alrighty then, let’s all carry on with our day,” and not “Hallelujah, the man has done the dishes! Everyone, quick, shoot fireworks out of your vagina!”

My husband didn’t do his dishes from yesterday. He left them piled in the sink for, I dunno, the Dish Fairy? I have no idea. I know he doesn’t consciously think I should wash his dishes for him. That would be insane, right? A grown-ass adult like, “Hmm, I’ll just put this here. I’m sure it will be taken care of somehow.”

I probably could have taken five minutes to throw everything in the dishwasher and wash the few things that were not dishwasher safe. But I didn’t. Instead, I texted my husband and told him I wasn’t washing his goddamn dishes. I know, I am woman, hear me roar, right? Or maybe, God, what a petty bitch! Take your pick. I don’t care. The main point is, this isn’t about sex.

Okay, maybe it is, just a little. I admit that when I saw my husband’s dishes in the sink, I thought: Wow, this makes me really NOT want to have sex with him.

Based on my reaction, I can see why we, as a collective society, have come to agree that a husband who does his share is totes bone-able. But we’re getting it all wrong.

There is a mathematical concept for what I’m talking about here. It’s called necessary and sufficient conditions. I think when men started pitching in around the house, women got so damn excited about not having to shoulder the entire load that we decided we ought to reward our husbands with sex. Over time, we came to view our husbands’ participation in housework as a sufficient condition for sex:

– Husband does fair share = Husband gets laid

– Husband doesn’t do fair share = Husband might still get laid

This is fucking dumb. Participation in housework is really a necessary but not sufficient condition:

– Husband does fair share = Husband might get laid, for reasons probably unrelated to housekeeping

– Husband doesn’t do fair share = Wife’s vagina turns to dust

The fact is, even if my husband had done his own dishes, it wouldn’t have made me want to shove him on the bed and perform reverse cowgirl. I’m sorry, but I just don’t get excited for dishes. I have fetishes, but dishes isn’t one of them.

Proponents of the Housework Equals Horny Wives theory might ask, “But what if he had done the dishes and more? What if he had gone above and beyond? What if he had also, I dunno, swept the floor? Vacuumed? Cooked dinner? What about then? Doesn’t the poor guy deserve a reward?”

Yeah, still no. Sorry, husband, none of that makes me wanna bone you.

The thing is, I just don’t think of housework as the way to my heart. However, I do look at the neglect of housework as the way out of my vagina. This is a fine but incredibly important distinction.

When it comes to sex, housework is a necessary but not sufficient condition.

If I were a man, I would be insulted by the notion of sex as a reward for housework. I’d be indignant over the idea that I, as a man, require sexual motivation in order to do the same tasks a woman does out of basic human decency. I would think, What am I, a circus monkey dancing for treats? Dude, I’m better than that.

I would want my wife to desire me for non-housework stuff, like rolling out from under a car with grease-smears all over my bulging forearms, or rescuing a kitten from a burning building, or just, you know, out of love. Of course, I’d want to do my fair share around the house, because obviously, but I’d want sex to be just…sex.

No additional vacuuming required.