FYI: Sears Sells Some SERIOUS Sex Toys

This is not the Sears you remember from childhood, y’all

So, here’s a thing that may be news to many of you: Sears — the store where your mom bought her first washing machine — sells sex toys and accessories. Not just “a” sex toy, but many sex toys including, but not limited to, a ball stretcher, prostate massager, and a vibrator that doubles as a cactus and a corkscrew.

Now, I am 100% all for vibrators and sex toys being available to whomever wants to buy one. The more the merrier and all that. But I am shocked that a place where I once bought a Craftsman snowblower and my entire ’80s collection of Lee jeans also sells a little poke and tickle on the side. It’s not the first website I’d visit if I were upping my vibrator game but perhaps one should reconsider after seeing the um extensive collection. Here’s a sampler:

If you want to really go all out this holiday season, you can purchase this Throb Pulse Vibrator for $125. That may seem steep but according to the description, “this powerful rabbit vibrator has 2 uniquely placed thumping pads on both sides of the shaft to deliver 3 speeds of deep, rumbling thumping.” Seems like a small price to pay to me.

If you’ve been neglecting your prostate, Sears offers a Wiggling Finger Prostate Massager that has five inches of insertable black silicone that can wiggle back and forth if you so desire. And, you’d be remiss if you didn’t also check out this C-ring ball stretcher. I don’t own a set of balls but if I did, I believe I’d like them as high and tight as possible (but I guess I’m not the expert here).

Imagine getting your Sears catalogue back in the day and happening upon this section as you perused it with your parents. The catalogue was a family favorite until it stopped being published in 1993 and honestly, it sold everything from sewing machines to clothes to cars and livestock. A few dildos shouldn’t really turn heads in these modern times.

But back to the good stuff. Now, you can buy a car battery, a mattress, and a French Kiss Sweet Talker at the same time. This little compact number delivers a “powerful flickering pleasure with 12 sensual functions of fluttering vibrations through the tongue-like tip” and it’s small enough to fit in your purse.

If you need something even smaller, check out this Coco Licious™ Hide & Play™ Lipstick. This battery-operated mini vibrator fits perfectly in your purse or pants pocket, just make sure if a friend asks to borrow your lipstick, you grab another option.

According to the website, “If you’re not satisfied with your experience, Sears will step in and help,” but I think the Sears marketing team may want to rephrase the language on this page. Basically, if you’re not happy, Sears will refund the cost of your order — including shipping. Obviously, returns on these products are frowned upon.

Thanks to Sears we really can get all of our needs met in one place. And for that, we appreciate them.