12 Reasons I Wouldn't Do Reality TV

Sometimes, I look around at the three ring circus that is my life and think, “This would be Reality TV gold. Someone should offer us a show.” Not that it would ever happen, but the short answer would be NO. Why?

1. My kids think that clothing is optional at home.

2. I have three boys. They spend a lot of their time thinking and talking about butts, and poop, and farts. For instance, the two big boys think it’s hysterical that when they question Little Kid, “What is half poodle and half poodle?” and he responds, “Poo Poo!”

3. Sometimes, I don’t know where my baby is. I’ll be washing dishes in the kitchen and the next thing I know, I have no idea the current whereabouts of our almost two year old. He’s usually putting dozens of wet wipes in the toilet or climbing on the top bunk. Putting that on tv would most likely land me a visit from CPS. (Normally, I keep the bathroom doors shut and I take the ladder down as soon as he wakes up to avoid an inevitable fall and broken arm.)

4. Sometimes, I do know where the baby is. He’s pushed a chair over to the tall counter in the kitchen and is standing on top. And, I’m taking his picture.

5. We have yet to master “volume control”. Our house is LOUD! One of the kids is particularly loud on occasion. If he is close enough, I can actually feel my ear drum vibrating. He also doesn’t go to sleep quietly. Sure, he may be lying in bed, but he’s not quiet. Last night, he was lying in bed and for two minutes, in a half-shout, repeated, “Mamamaaaamammmmaaaama, Mom, maaaamamaaaa!” But, when he follows that with an exchange like this, “Mom?”, “Yes, Bud?”, “I love you.”, “I love you, too, bud.”, what can you do?

6. My boys love to play with Legos. I love that they love to play with Legos. They are unplugged and using their brains, creatively and analytically. BUT. There are Legos everywhere. The formal dining room that I insisted we build in our house (pre-children), for all of the fancy dinner parties we were going to have, has been transformed into the “Lego room”. That would be great, if the Legos would stay in the Lego room. Instead, they are everywhere. I don’t want cameras rolling when I “accidentally” vacuum some of them up. (This is why I die laughing every time I see a “house hunting” type show and hear a young couple say, “Ooh, this would be great for entertaining! )

7. I take my oldest son to school in my pajamas. The little kids are usually in their pajamas, too. Last week, Middle Kid had on only underwear when we dropped Big Kid off at school. Remember, clothing is optional. And, I’m usually driving with one hand. My coffee is in the other hand.

8. The video cameras might pick up the sweet times in our house, like when Middle Kid pats his little brother’s face and whispers, “I love you.” Or when we “cuddle up” and say prayers at night. The editing room would more likely focus in on the not so sweet times, like when the two big boys are pounding each other or, in the morning rush, when I am barking, “Where are your shoes? Brush your teeth! Hurry! We have to go! Now!”

9. We eat weird stuff for breakfast, sometimes. Middle Kid is the usual suspect for strange breakfast requests, like popcorn or tilapia.

10. I have to use a plunger almost daily. If it’s not the dozens of wet wipes in the toilet, it’s the green lightsaber toothbrushes or small board books or… well, you don’t want to hear about that.

11. My house is “company clean” exactly four hours per month. I have a housekeeper who comes twice a month. Of course, you have to clean before the housekeeper cleans. It’s a lot of work to get ready for that. But, the work is rewarded with two hours, on two separate days, when the baby is napping and the big boys are at school and it’s SO CLEAN. It lasts for about five minutes after we get home from school pick-up. So, it’s rarely company clean and it’s never “countless strangers watching on tv clean”.

12. One time, I locked my oldest son and my cell phone in the car in a Kohl’s parking lot. Luckily, a sweet stranger saw what happened and called the fire department. It wasn’t too hot or too cold, he was a baby and slept through the whole 8 minutes it took for the fire truck to arrive and unlock the doors. This was right about the time that Britney Spears was shaving her head and generally “melting down”. Later that day, when my son was safely home, all I could think was, “I’m glad I’m not Britney Spears with photographers and cameramen following me everywhere I go.”

What would the world see if cameras were rolling in YOUR house?