Real Mom University

As I enter back into the world of academia, I find myself pondering the following quote which came straight from the mouth of my six year old daughter: “So, let me get this straight, Mom. You went to mommy school to learn how to be a mommy, right? So, now that you are a mommy, you want to go back to school to learn how to be a teacher? Ah, I get it now. Cool.”

A Real Mom University …a school to learn how to be a perfect mommy. Upon hearing this brilliant idea, I began to envision courses that mommies could enroll in to better prepare themselves for the roller coaster ride that is motherhood. In order to be accepted into Mommy College, there would be a prerequisite course. Below is the course syllabus to give you a better understanding of what this motherhood gig is all about. If you get queasy, faint or break out in a cold sweat at any point while reading, consider yourself NOT ready for motherhood just yet and perhaps reapply at another time in the future.

Everything They Never Tell You But You Really Need To Know in Order to Survive Motherhood:

1. You will perform all bathroom tasks with an audience, complete with commentary, critiques and a rating system (this will include, but will not be limited to, urinating, moving your bowels, shaving and popping the occasional pimple on your face).

2. You will second guess EVERYTHING you do, say, wear, eat, drink, buy, return and sell because your thoughts will be preoccupied with how this particular decision, no matter how big or small, will affect your children.

3. You will learn the true meaning of unconditional love. For example, your child will shower you with compliments about your beauty even when you are in your rattiest pajamas, have morning eye crust in, not one, but both eyes and breath that could clear out a small town it is so potent.

4. You will begrudgingly come to realize you have no other choice but to smile, while nodding your head yes, when your child politely asks for that your last extra crispy, extra greasy french fry as it is en route to your mouth.

5. You will remove the phrase “a sound sleep” from your vocabulary since after having children, everything will cause you to wake up and check on the kids, including a raccoon rummaging through a garbage can 18 blocks away, even though you know it has absolutely nothing to do with the kids and their safety.

6. You will plan, months in advance, to have a night out on the town with your other mommy friends. You will look forward to the two-three hour break from your role as Mommy. However, you will spend 97% of the evening discussing, bragging about and missing your kids.

7. You will effortlessly learn the art of showering in under three minutes and then prioritizing which is more important, mascara or deodorant, when you realize that after then shower you only have two minutes left before having to race the kids to school before the late bell rings.

8. You will forget to put a bra on many mornings, but you will never forget your child’s first word was “gog” as she pointed to the dog, the pink leopard print outfit she had on the day she began to crawl or the white sweater you had on the first time she threw up her pureed peas all over you.

9. You will smile from ear to ear when in a store and overhear a mom say, “Are you serious?! You really pooped in your pants AGAIN?!” and realize this particular poop in not your problem.

10. You will be so excited the end of a long, trying, exhausting day with the kiddies has come to a close and that they are finally snoring away in their beds. However, as you walk past their room on the way to your own comfy bed, you will tiptoe into their rooms and stare at them while they sleep for a minimum of twenty minutes each. These times may also be accompanied by tears of joy as you take the opportunity to fully take in their innocence and beauty.

Upon completion of this course, it is guaranteed that you will still be absolutely clueless on how to be a perfect mother, but to give you peace of mind and hope, you should carry on with this advice…always keep calm, carry on and pretend to know exactly what you’re doing at all times. A journey like this only comes along once in a lifetime. So, fasten your seatbelt, brace yourself, hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

There ain’t no other like it, mama.