Questions You Have Near The End Of Maternity Leave

Come Monday, I’m back to work (wahh…)

Here are some of the questions I’ve legitimately asked myself in the last few weeks.

1. Is it acceptable to start a GoFundMe or Kickstarter campaign so I could be a stay-at-home mom? Would anyone actually fund me?

2. How early is it acceptable to start drinking wine during the day on a work day? And furthermore, how bad is drinking wine all day on a work day while breastfeeding?

3. How much work will I be able to get done with a 2-month-old strapped to my boob eating constantly, and is it politically incorrect to do a Google hangout with said 2-month-old strapped to my boob eating?

4. Is it OK to not shower and stay in my pajamas all day while I’m working full time, taking care of an infant full time, and picking up/dropping off a preschooler at school?

5. Will four hours of sleep at night be enough rest so I can keep my eyes open and my brain active while I work full time, take care of an infant full time, and pick up/drop off my preschooler at school?

6. What are my odds of winning a lottery jackpot so I can be independently wealthy?

[recirculation]

7. How important is it for me to have my own home? Can I survive if I sell everything and move my two kids and husband in with my parents so I don’t have to worry about a mortgage payment and can quit my job and be a stay-at-home mom?

8. Is it silly to sell everything I own, quit my job, buy an RV and travel the USA with my husband and two kids in tow?

9. Is it preposterous to sell everything I own, quit my job, and buy one-way plane tickets with my two kids and husband to Fiji and live there so I can be a stay-at-home mom?

10. Can I survive with my two kids and husband in a shack and live with less so I can quit my job and be a stay-at-home mom?

11. Is it feasible to finish my book in the next four days, send it to a publisher, and get a big payday so I don’t have to go to work on Monday?

12. And finally … the number one question I’ve been asking … (pardon my French, but I’m mad):

Why the fuck is America so fucking stupid with the fucking policies about fucking maternity leave for working moms and why does it give us so little fucking time off? What the fuck!?