Someone Adopt This 'Small Dog Who Hates Men And Children,' Please

Prancer needs a forever home if you are up for this challenge

You know how sometimes you buy something online based on the product description and it comes and you realize you’ve been completely duped by false advertising? That will not be the case if you choose to purchase Prancer, a 2-year-old Chihuahua described as a “neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dog.”

Prancer is all kinds of available, folks. He is being fostered by a kind but exhausted family in New Jersey while awaiting his forever home.

“I have to believe there’s someone out there for Prancer, because I am tired and so is my family,” Tyfanee Fortuna wrote on Facebook in what can only be described as the most detailed, honest description of a dog’s personality that’s ever been written.

“He’s literally the Chihuahua meme that describes them as being 50 percent hate and 50 percent tremble. If you’re intrigued and horrified at how this animal sounds already, just wait….there’s more,” Fortuna wrote.

And there is so, so much more.

Prancer came to her “obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate,” which should give some indication to how this is going to go. Apparently, Prancer was owned by an elderly woman who “treated him like a human and never socialized him,” so he hates everyone and is scared of everything.

“His first week he was too terrified to have a personality. As awful as it sounds, I kind of liked him better that way,” Fortuna continued. “I am convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home.”

Prancer only likes women, Fortuna explained: “He hates men more than women do, which says a lot. If you have a husband don’t bother applying, unless you hate him.”

But Prancer is not without his redeeming qualities. He is protective, loyal, and housebroken, which is something.

You also can’t have other animals.

“Have other dogs? Cats? Don’t apply unless they like being shaken up like a ragdoll by a 13lb rage machine,” Fortuna wrote.

Oh, and you also can’t have any kids.

“I think at this point, you can imagine why. He’s never been in the presence of a child, but I can already imagine the demonic noises and shaking fury that would erupt from his body if he was. Prancer wants to be your only child.”

Who would be the perfect candidate for Prancer to live with for the next couple of decades?

“His ideal home would be with a single woman, a mother and daughter, or a lesbian couple,” Fortuna explained. “You can’t live in an apartment or a condo unless you want him to ankle bite your neighbors…If you have people over he would have to be put away like he’s a vacuum.”

If you are single, a lesbian couple, or a woman living with your older daughter and no other kids or pets, Prancer is available through Second Chance Pet Adoption League or you can email njwoof@cs.com.

“Oh, also he’s only 2yrs old and will probably live to be 21 through pure spite, so take that into account if you’re interested,”Fortuna wrote.

Bless.