Pink Drinks Decaf And Mommy Shamers Lose Their Sh!t

Mommy shamers in need of a hobby pounce after Pink posts a photo drinking coffee

Man, do we love us some Pink. She’s a bad ass, she used to own a dog named F**ker, she seems like an awesome mom, and also we enjoy her hair. So yesterday when she shared a photo of herself sitting down in front of her microwave drinking a cup of decaf and calling it a “rest stop,” we said, “Oh, Pink. We hear you, sister.” Mommy shamers, however, took one look at that photo, put on their Super Shamer capes, and said, “Get me to a computer immediately! I have judgments to make!”

At first glance, there’s nothing about Pink’s instagram post to criticize. There’s nothing on second or third glance, either. But that’s because some of us don’t have the Super Shaming Power of moms who like to put down strangers and really need to learn how to knit or take up Tae Kwon Do or anything that gives them something to do with their hands. I enjoy reading, for example. But I digress.

Pink, who is pregnant with her second child, shared the photo as a way of commiserating with all us moms who just want to sit the fuck down and enjoy a few sips of coffee for a minute or two. But the internet was. Not. Having. It. Here’s a sample of some of the comments made on her Instagram page and on The Today Show’s Facebook page after they, too, posted the photo.

“Three doctors told me coffee is coffee, decaf or not…Feeding addictive stimulants to an unborn baby. Well, that’s your choice…I just stayed away from anything that may disturb my baby’s growth. A very worthwhile price so my baby can grow healthy and free of my not so healthy choices. My babies were so worth it. They come first, always. Hey, no ones place to judge. (Well, no one that doesn’t know you.) That’s your choice, and yours alone.”

Mom?

Seriously, though. We’re not sure that describing decaf coffee as “an addictive stimulant” makes a whole lot of sense, but we do appreciate that this commenter feels it’s completely up to us whether or not we want to protect our unborn children. It’s just that she happens to love her children, whereas maybe we don’t. But that’s just her. She’s not judging.

“It’s one thing that she’s drinking coffee but the second thing is that she microwaves which kills all and everything in the milk if she uses milk is not good for the baby.”

We’re going to go ahead and say that science might not back you up on this whole “microwaved milk is bad for fetuses” theory.

“Why is the microwave oven so low?”

Because that’s where millionaires put their microwaves. Mind your business.

“Can relate! But not with the coffee, though. You got to wean yourself off of some things you love for the sake of the baby.”

Excellent point. We’re sure that Pink, who obviously doesn’t care about the health of her children, will consider this issue over a carton of cigarettes. After all, if she’ll drink decaf coffee, what won’t she do?

“Why the microwave so low?”

Goddamn it, people!

“How do you know it’s coffee?”

Are you implying that there’s alcohol in her mug? Girl, you need to pick up a course catalog for your local community college and start painting or learning Spanish or something. That’s a mind in need of occupation.

“Can i give you a solid? Don’t microwave anything! All food/drinks loose there essence after microwaving for more than 60 seconds.”

Well. Fuck. Us.

First of all, how do you expect your average mom to function without a microwave? We have mere moments to eat our meals, and those are typically hours after our children have scarfed down theirs. Sure, we could heat up the oven again and put our plate back in there to warm it up, but oh my God how much time do you think we have?!

Second, the only “essence” decaf coffee has is that it’s a tasty nom nom that reminds us of the real coffee we could still be having but are choosing not to. Decaf coffee has the essence of regret and sadness, and we’re pretty sure that doesn’t get passed through the placenta.

So Pink — do your thing. Have a seat. Drink your decaf. And mommy shamers? It’s ok to say things inside your head and not share them with the rest of the world. If, for example, you started taking Zumba classes at your nearby community center, you could think about the dangers of microwaved milk the whole time you were there but you’d be too busy dancing to type it up. And that would be a win for all of us.