Folks Are Getting Penis Facials And Vampire Facials, And We Have Questions

The first time I heard the term “penis facial,” I immediately assumed it could only mean one of three things:

1. Something really gross I saw in a porno once and don’t want to talk about.

2. The typical exfoliating, purifying, and moisturizing process involved in a facial, but for a penis.

3. Something to do with a penis slapping some poor person in the face? I don’t know.

It turns out, there aren’t any actual penises involved in penis facials, or… not directly, anyway. Though, I might be even more horrified by what a penis facial actually is than what I thought it was. The procedure involves taking the severed foreskin from an infant’s circumcision, using the fibroblast from that bit of skin as a culture for growing new skin cells and creating a serum to apply to the face.

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

I mean, using infants’ severed penis to get pretty? I just… is this what happens when a person has so much money that they have to think up weird shit to do with it? Or is this honestly the very best way for a person to never look their age? What even is this?

Also, I can’t be the only one seeing this scenario like some super twisted real-life version of a Disney Villain. I’m picturing Charlize Theron as the evil Queen Ravenna in Snow White and the Huntsman, obsessed with maintaining her beauty, except instead of collecting the life force of young maidens, she’s collecting foreskins. Diabolical.

And penis facials aren’t the only, um… unique beauty procedure filthy rich people and/or celebrities engage in. Here are a few others that have us scratching our heads:

Placenta Creams and Facials

Sheep placenta, pig placenta, and yes, even human placenta. Eva Longoria has been known to use placenta cream, Jennifer Lopez gets placenta facials, and those willing to unload a whopping $10,000 can get actual human placenta injected into their face to maintain their baby soft glow and utterly defy mother nature and gravity. These are donated placentas, of course, though I’m not sure how I’d feel about my placenta being used for superficial purposes if I thought I was donating for medically necessary procedures like skin grafts for burn victims. But maybe we could all just keep a bit of our own placentas after giving birth and inject ourselves when we need a little self-care boost. I’ll start a Pinterest board. (Not really. Don’t do this.)

Vampire Facials

Also known as the PRP (platelet-rich plasma) facial, this very bloody cosmetic procedure involves drawing your own blood, separating out the platelets, and injecting the platelets back into your skin via a process called microneedling. The growth hormone in platelets, along with the stimulation from the needling, is meant to encourage cell turnover and restore a youthful glow. YIKES.

Bird Poo Facials

This is a procedure in which you smear actual, literal bird shit on your face. Granted, it’s fancy nightingale bird shit—said to be high in urea and guanine, which moisturize and brighten, respectively, and yes, it’s sanitized and dehydrated and stuff, but still. WTAF. Harry Styles and Victoria Beckham have been known to engage in this tomfoolery.

Snail Slime

So I don’t even understand why this one is so expensive. The mucin from land snails apparently does have elastin, glycolic acid, and protein in it, but why not just go for a hike and find some land snails and let them crawl all over your face? You could lay in the mud and get a free mud mask. Who needs to spend hundreds at the spa?

Bull Sperm Conditioner

This protein-rich (yuck!) hair mask combines the semen from Aberdeen Angus Bills with Katera root and is meant to strengthen hair and promote growth. It isn’t even that expensive, but… OMG WHY? I’m not eating for the rest of the day.

Snake Venom

This anti-aging cream is made from actual active snake venom which is supposed to freeze facial muscles but, you know, without paralyzing you or… killing you. Who needs Botox when you can use all-natural deadly snake venom?

24k Gold Face Masks

This $300 and up treatment uses literal 24k gold leafs to create a face mask that supposedly renews cells, improves skin elasticity, and reduces wrinkles. If I ever got one of these, I’d wear that shit around town on my face like jewelry. Because seriously, what do they do with the gold after they use it? Recycle it and use it on other people? Trash it? Make a bracelet?

And these procedures are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to unusual and expensive beauty treatments. I love a good facial as much as the next gal, but I think I can do without smearing blood or semen or placenta on my face in the interest of beauty. Give me a good clay mask and a nice hyaluronic acid serum, and I’m good to go. But if we are ever able to collect and cultivate maiden’s life forces in a non-invasive, consensual, non-murdery way, sign me up, because really, who doesn’t want skin like Charlize Theron’s?