You Can Glitter Bomb Your Vagina Now But Please Don't

Ladies, your vagina is magical enough without shoving glitter in it

You know what my vagina is missing? A self-dissolving capsule of glitter shoved up into it, said no woman — ever.

Ladies, your vagina is a magical vessel, just the way it is. It doesn’t need a facial (or vajacial, as it’s called), it doesn’t need douches and sprays — it’s a self-cleaning oven. And it sure as hell doesn’t need a self dissolving capsule full of flavored glitter.

Because there’s never enough stuff to market to our vaginas (remember detox pearls and yoni eggs), something called “Passion Dust” exists now. It’s a small capsule filled with flavored glitter that dissolves in your vagina during sex. Not kidding.

“PASSION DUST is not a liquid, lubricant or gel of any kind, It does not induce or create any physical sensations or physically alter your sexual performance,” Pretty Woman Inc, the site that makes the dust claims. “It’s [sic] only purpose is to add a sparkle and flavor to your natural vaginal fluids to make the experience of lovemaking that much more fun and enjoyable for you and your partner.”

How is having a vag full of flavored glitter going to be more enjoyable for us? That sounds like a yeast infection waiting to happen. At the very least, we’re having images of some undesirable friction. Who wants a vagina full of crap — no matter how sparkly it is? Also, you can NEVER get rid of glitter. Ever. So be prepared to have glitter in your yoni until the end of days.

“Could the vehicle be an irritant and cause a vaginal contact dermatitis? Yes and ouch,”Dr. Jen Gunter, a Canadian physician, writes on her blog. “Think vaginal sunburn! Is it possible the goo might damage the good vaginal bacteria leading to infections as well as in increased risk of STIs? You bet.”

Ooh. That sounds sexy.

“Your body’s physical responses help to release the Passion Dust,” Pretty Woman Inc. explains. “Basically, the more excited you get physically the faster the capsule dissolves creating a sparkly, flavored orgasm. Your passion makes it happen!”

A SPARKLY, FLAVORED ORGASM?

“The flavor is sweet like candy but not overly sweet, just enough to make your lover feel that your Yara (water-lady or little butterfly) is what all vaginas are supposed to look, feel and taste like; soft, sweet and magical!” Really?

Do. Not. Want.

Aly Dilks, clinical director at The Women’s Health Clinic told Huffpost UK that vaginal glitter is “quite a dangerous trend.”

“Not only are you opening your vagina to itching, soreness and lots of nasty infections but you’re also changing the PH balance inside,” she said. Yikes.

“Any gynecologist would tell you that NOTHING should go in your vagina!” a disclaimer on the site reads. “And nothing concerning the vaginal region comes without some possible risk.” Nothing concerning the vaginal region comes without some possible risk? Wrong. Our vaginas aren’t risky places because they’re not filled with flavored glitter. These people have no idea what they’re talking about. They should not be pedaling things to put in our lady-places.

“We are not doctors (OH REALLY? THAT’S A SHOCKER) here but again, we have done our research and testing so that we could knowledgeably address this topic with women who may have concerns,” the site reads. “Only you would be familiar with your body’s chemistry and everyone’s body chemistry is different. So if your Yara has a bad attitude then it’s up to you if it’s worth trying.”

Yara = vagina. Bad attitude = bad attitude. This whole thing = ridiculous.

You don’t need to glitter bomb your vaginas, ladies. They are perfect the way they are.