10 Reasons Water Parks Are Just Like Bars

Summer is in full swing, and with that comes the task of finding ways to entertain the kids while simultaneously wearing them out. If you can manage to get a tan in the process, it’s just a bonus.

Enter water parks.

Amidst the fun and foot fungus, water parks are a great way to get the kids out of the house while allowing you to lie down and read a book…for about three minutes.

When I was a kid I loved going to the water park. The slides and snack bar are enough to make any kid happy. They’re also enough to break the bank, but it’s a good sacrifice if you can get rid of that farmer’s tan, right?

As an adult, I now view water parks a little differently. Instead of seeing wave pools and water slides, I see potentially drowning scenarios and urine in the pool. Seriously. Sometimes I swear I can actually see the pee in the pool.

Recently I took a stroll down memory lane, and realized that going to water parks when I was a kid was a lot like going to bars in my 20s. Granted, they don’t seem to be similar, but hear me out on this. I was an expert in each arena during the appropriate times in my life. I also frequent each locale occasionally as an adult and am reminded that things are a lot more enjoyable when you’re young.

I’ve got 10 solid reasons why water parks are just like bars:

1. You don’t want to go to the bathroom barefoot. The restroom floors are covered in various bodily excrements and there’s always at least 3 used and abandoned Band-Aids on the floor.

2. Someone is wearing something inappropriate. From ill-fitting string bikinis to crop tops, one thing is certain; either way, you’re going to see someone’s boobs.

3. There are guys scoping out chicks. Perhaps this is just the way of the world, but either location has men staring at skin and hoping someone’s boob will fall out. Fortunately for them, it’s a strong possibility. See #2 above.

4. You get toasted—either by the sun or by the drinks. Spending a day at the pool may cause you to get a little more sun than you wanted to, sending you home in pain with a headache from dehydration. The same is true with a bar, only the pain is from the high heels and the dehydration is from Lemon Drop shots.

5. Food and drinks are overpriced. Both places are going to charge you at least 3 times what you would pay anywhere else…and you’ll pay it.

6. You get a wristband upon entrance. They’re almost like a badge of honor, showing you passed the test (and paid the fee) to get in. They’re also both crappy paper bracelets whose color bleeds as soon as you spill that first overpriced drink on it.

7. The music is horrible. From cover bands of accountants and engineers pretending they’re rock stars to the obnoxious teeny-bopper radio station blaring at the water park, either place comes with a guarantee that the only feet tapping you’ll be doing is when you’re trying to keep them from kicking someone.

8. Someone ends up in tears. Whether it’s a dispute about whose turn it is to use the water gun or whose turn it is to buy shots, someone always ends up crying and throwing a fit.

9. Your hair looks horrible when you leave. Most of the time, it’s because it’s hot and you’ve sweated out your leave-in-conditioner. Other times it’s because someone spilled something on you in the midst of an argument. See #8.

10. It’s best to attend with a girlfriend. Neither location was designed for you to go solo. You need the support of a girlfriend to remind you of all these rules, and to entertain you when the obnoxious people around you start screaming.

Convinced? I thought so. Now go pack your bag and get ready for a day at the park (or a night on the town.)

Or, you could just stay in and watch Netflix. At least if you do that no one cares if your boob falls out.