The 12 Teachers You’ll Find In Every Elementary School

You’ve seen them. And if you haven’t, you’ve heard about them. Every teacher in your child’s elementary school has a reputation.

And just about every one of them falls into at least one of the following categories…

1. The Veteran. Has his/her shit together. The perfect balance of discipline and warm fuzzy. Has somehow managed to survive thirty years of teaching without burning out. You pray your kid has him/her.

2. The Fashionista. This one cannot possibly make enough money to pay for her wardrobe. All the little girls love her.

3. The Bombshell. Her skirts are short and her heels are high. She shows lots of cleavage. All the little boys love her. And so do the dads.

4. The Overachiever. She’s the one heading committees and volunteering and applying for grants and cutting crap out by hand. She will get married, have kids, retire, and become the overachieving stay-at-home mom that all other moms hate.

5. The Doormat. The substitute who covers her class has more control over the kids than she does.

6. The Dude. Every day is a party. This teacher throws the football around in the classroom. He never gives homework. He doesn’t necessarily prepare the kids for the next year, but the moms don’t care because he’s kind of hot. All the kids want this teacher.

7. The Musician. This is the uber talented classroom teacher who plays the guitar and can turn every situation into the opportunity for a song. The kids love her. The other teachers are jealous of her.

8. The Hard Ass. You do not fuck around in this teacher’s classroom. Parents either love him/her or hate him/her.

9. The Sports Fanatic. This teacher has pennants and sports paraphernalia everywhere. Every math problem revolves around a team sport scenario. All the boys want to get this teacher.

10. The Cheeseball. You know her. She’s got the apple sweater and the apple name tags and the apple earrings and the apple coffee mug and the apple pencils and the apple bulletin board and the apple manicure and the apple necklace and the apple purse and the apple totebag and the apple lunch box and the apple license plate and the apple…

11. The Curmudgeon. This is the cranky teacher who refuses to acknowledge the passage of time. He or she still writes out homework papers by hand, doesn’t have a class website, and will never make any effort to assimilate into the 21st century.

12. The Cool, Young Teacher. If you’re going to get a new(er) teacher, this is the one you want. She’s fun. She’s progressive. She can handle anything. And she eventually becomes…

…the Veteran.