Stassi Schroeder's New Book Gets Hilariously Real About Making Mom Friends

The following is an excerpt from chapter 9 — Mom Friends Forever! (Or Not) — of Stassi Schroeder’s new book, You Can’t Have It All: The Basic B*tch Guide To Taking The Pressure Off.

Since Hartford started getting invited to birthdays, my social anxiety has found a new reason to kick into overdrive. Based on the amount of stress I experience before baby and toddler parties, you’d think I was raised in a dark cave with zero human contact. Kid birthday parties are a breeding ground for social awkwardness. I mean, for the most part, I don’t know most of the parents. I spent the first year of my daughter’s life pretty much sheltering in place at home. So when we go to a party it feels like I’m walking into some singles mixer, except instead of trying to make some roman- tic connection, I’m trying to make a mom friend connection. Or, honestly, just trying to be the best mom version of myself so that the other moms don’t go talking mom-shit behind my back. Just like a singles mixer, everything about these parties feels forced. I quite literally never know what to say to a new mom at a birthday party. Do I ask what she does for a living? Do I ask her parenting style? Do I ask how long her labor was? Her favorite food? Favorite movie? Is she a free-range parent or a snowplow?! I need someone to point me in the right direction, and maybe give me a list of mom-friendly conversation starters.

Let’s start simple.

Is that your kid?

If the answer is no, then move along.

If yes, then continue with follow-up questions:

Is that your only kid? Oh you have two? What’s the age difference?

How was that having two under two?

Do y’all live in the area? Where are you kids in school? Getting your kids in the right schools, I mean, it’s a jungle out there. Amirite?!

Side note: I’ve never met a mom who didn’t like sharing or hearing about birth stories and postpartum recovery. Myself included. It’s like we’ve all been a part of some ritual blood bond circle or something. So when all else fails, ask about her postpartum recovery or whether she liked her ob-gyn.

Once we’ve established some sort of situation, I then tend to ask for advice. It helps to be self-deprecating. I feel like moms just want to know other moms are hanging on by a thread too:

My kid won’t eat anything but mac ’n’ cheese, what did you do to get your kid to snack on roasted seaweed?

We’re going through a no-sharing phase, and I don’t know what to do. I heard Montessori schools teach kids that they don’t have to share ever?

If these are all going nowhere, you can always look around and see if anything stands out. For example:

Wow, this playground is really shitty, I wish the city would spend our tax dollars on fixing it up.

Or:

Did you hear about the house that got broken into on Lark Street the other day? Yeah, they never caught the dude.

Honorable mention:

So, do you like wine?

My favorite part of a mom conversation is when it finally takes a turn into pop culture. I want to know what shows they binge, which celebrity breakup they’re sad about, who their favorite Tik-Toker is. I’ll find a way to test the waters by saying something like “Oh my goodness, your daughter’s hair looks just like Ariana Grande’s, so beautiful!” If the mom responds with something like “Oh, thank you. By the way, I can’t believe that guy she’s having the affair with was married with a baby.” Then I know she’s my kind of mom friend.

YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL: THE BASIC B*TCH GUIDE TO TAKING THE PRESSURE OFF by Stassi Schroeder is available now.

Copyright © 2024 by Stassi Schroeder. Reprinted by permission of Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, LCC.