Sorry, Grandparents — You Aren't Entitled To See The Grandkids

Gonna hold your hand while I say this… but you aren't entitled to see the grandkids just because you're the grandparents. And I'm not obligated to bring the kids to your house either.

Harsh? Sure, but before you freak out, hear me out. I do want my parents and in-laws to have a great relationship with my kids, and I am committed to making sure we see each side of the family multiple times a year.

What I'm talking about is the f*cking time ledger.

When I saw the reel by Kristen Knutson, aka the best impersonation of a boomer mom I've ever seen on the internet, about the not-so-invisible score sheet that parents seem to keep about how much time you're spending with them versus your in-laws, I felt it to my core. It's as if she had personally witnessed the various interactions I've had with my parents and in-laws over the years.

And I'm over it. It's exhausting to deal with the passive-aggressive comments and guilt trips about how we spent Easter at the in-laws last year, so why are we spending it there this year? Or the raised eyebrows after hearing, "Seems like you've been spending a lot of time at your parents' house," followed by a long pause.

Her reel, which has been watched over two million times, clearly struck a chord with followers. Wade through the comments, and you'll find gems like this:

"I can't relate to anything more than this…"

"The 'fairness' game since having a baby makes me want to explode."

"400% truth"

"I've been in therapy over this since my baby shower."

"This was a literal phone conversation with my mom last night."

How am I supposed to respond? Tabulate down to the minute how much time we've spent with one family and compare to the minutes we've spent with the other side? Extrapolate out what we have planned for the coming months to calculate if things will naturally even out or to see if the so-called entitled deficit needs to be made up for? Immediately cancel future plans with the side that's "ahead"?

Umm, no, I do not have time for that, even though that seems to be the calculation my parents and in-laws do and what they expect me to do, too.

So yeah, I feel perfectly validated in reiterating my opening statement: Grandparents, you aren't entitled to see the kids, nor am I obligated to be "fair" about how my family spends our time.

Because here's the thing — if one side of the family makes more of an effort to accommodate our children and us when we visit, guess where we're more likely to naturally go?

When I put myself in the proverbial shoes of my parents, I get it. I want to see my kids all the time, and my heart already hurts thinking about the day they'll leave for college or have a partner and start to split holidays. My ardent hope is that I won't have to guilt trip them into spending time with me, but rather that they want to spend time with me because I've built a strong relationship with them and because of how I treat them when they visit.

This goes both ways, btw.

Even though my kids are the absolute cutest and most wonderful kids on the planet, I'm not expecting the grandparents to drop everything for every school performance or sports game. I'm also not keeping track of how often they visit or help out with my nieces and nephews and making passive-aggressive comments about why they haven't done the same for us.

I'm pretty sure my parents would be appalled if I kept such a ledger and would tell me to check myself, but it's exactly what they're doing to me.

That's their choice as the grandparents for how much time they spend with their grandkids, and the same considerations apply. Why would they want to come and visit us if I made it difficult to do so, or wasn't a great host?

I want to make it easy for them to come visit and want to make sure they are well taken care of when they're at my house, but I also know that sometimes my siblings or sister-in-law might need more help than me. And I obviously know that they have more going on in their life than just their grandkids and me.

So, stop it with the f*cking ledger.

Life just doesn't work that way, and you're damaging our relationship every time you bring it up, as it makes me want to do the opposite of coming to visit. I promise I want the kids to spend time with you, and I think that grandparents who are eager to be with their grandkids are great, but I don't want a guilt trip if the ledger isn't perfectly balanced. Deal?

...

PS: If you are going to keep track, though, and want to discuss any perceived time injustice, please just act like an adult and be direct. K, thx, bye.