5 Phrases To Use When Your Sassy Tween Or Teen Talks Back, According To A Psychologist

Raising teens and tweens is great, right? The eye rolls. The noises of disgust. The sheer disdain for every move you make. It's especially fun when they ask you to spend a fortune on their clothes, hobbies, and concert tickets but do absolutely nothing in return. Where the hell are all your cups... and the forks? They're in your teen's room. Of course, when you ask them to bring them back, they tell you they don't have any. It can be easy to lose your cool with kids this age — which is why it's super useful to have a few easy phrases in your pocket to defuse your moody adolescent's backtalk.

It helps (maybe not in the moment, but still) to remember that teens are changing and growing into everything from their bodies to who they'll become as adults. From shrugging off your hugs to groaning at any gentle advice you offer, your teen is a ball of anger, usually directed at you. Why? Because you're their safe space.

However, being someone's safe space doesn't mean being a martyr. You can stand up for yourself when your tween or teen is particularly sassy; you just have to know what to say to de-escalate the situation. Admittedly, though, it's sometimes hard to think of the proper response when all you want to do is pull the "GO TO YOUR ROOM" card.

Fortunately, we now have FYPs, and mine recently introduced me to Dr. Kimberley Palmiotto — a licensed clinical counselor, educational psychologist, and school psychologist who runs Nurturing Girls. And while she gives lots of great advice, her dialogue pointers on how to address rude or hurtful backtalk from your tween or teen daughter really jumped out at me.

You might want to memorize a few of these to nip your little sass-mouth's next outburst in the bud. Here are five phrases Palmiotto suggests trying.

1. “Try again, please.”

This is so simple! It will work best for when you’re overwhelmed by anger or hurt at whatever your kid just said to you, so you can’t think to communicate any clearer. It also just works really well when your teen or tween is technically “asking” for something but it comes off as a demand.

2. “You’re allowed to be frustrated, but I can’t hear you when you talk to me that way.”

This one validates your kid’s feelings and lets them know you’re not trying to make them change their emotions or shut down their feelings. You’re simply asking for respect when they talk to you about those feelings.

3. “Your message is getting lost with your tone.”

Tone policing isn’t cool when it’s two grown adults. However, welcome to the real world, where how you say something is often more important than what you’re saying. This gentle reminder will help flip the switch on any nasty tone your daughter takes with you. It might also help prepare them for sharing their feelings as they get older.

4. “I’m not sure you intended to respond like that, but it didn’t feel good.”

Sometimes, your tween or teen will purposely try to hurt you. Other times, their emotions get the best of them and in expressing those feelings, they say hurtful things they don’t mean. You won’t always be able to tell the difference. In both instances, it’s important to make your kid aware when they say something hurtful. This 1) gives them the chance to fix it with you and 2) makes them more cognizant of how their responses can be hurtful.

5. “It sounds like this is really upsetting you. Let’s take a break.”

Time out from a big argument is important in any relationship. When our emotions flare, we can easily say things we don’t mean. Taking a break gives both parties a chance for some deep breathing, a little consideration, and maybe even a chance to share their thoughts with someone else, on the outside, who might give them a different perspective.

Palmiotto’s responses are solid, and, most importantly, they’re neutral. In the heat of an argument or after being back talked to, it’s easy to fly off the handle and say something just as hurtful as your teen. (If you do, apologize and move on.) By keeping a couple of these in your back pocket, you may just be able to avoid an emotional explosion on one or both sides. As Palmiotto points out in her caption, “How we handle it determines the trajectory of the communication in the future.”