This Dad Shares Real Reason You Lecture Your Kids (And Why You Should Stop)
“Lecturing says, because of my anxiety about your future, I am going to try to control how you do things.”
Nobody likes being on the butt end of a lecture — but, they feel so very important when you’re the one giving them. To a parent, lectures can feel a lot like eating your vegetables — sure, you hated them as a kid, but as an adult, you’re honestly starting to get it.
Unlike a nice roasted broccoli, however, lectures might actually do more harm than good for kids.
Dad Kirk Martin of the Calm Parenting Podcast explained why he thinks you should stop lecturing your kids. The main reason: lectures function more to soothe the parent’s anxieties than they are to help the child learn.
“When you get anxious about your child's future, you begin to lecture them. Lecturing is not teaching. It's micro-managing them,” Martin said in a video posted to Instagram Reels.
He continued to explain that lecturing kids when they do something wrong damages their confidence in three major ways.
“I don't really believe you're capable of being successful without me badgering you, without me being constantly on top of you,” he said. “It says, because of my anxiety about your future, I am going to try to control how you do things. And the third message is, I don't trust you. I don't trust you to figure it out.”
Now, this probably is not what you intend to convey when you’re giving your kid a rehearsed speech about the importance of studying after a failed math test. But, it’s the underlying message — you don’t trust that they know what they’ve done wrong, or that they’ve learned their own lesson, if you feel like you have to drill it into them.
Martin explained that the need to lecture really only serves the parent in the moment, while harming the child in the long run.
“We have anxiety issues. We have control issues that will destroy your child's confidence, it will not motivate them, and it will begin to erode your relationship,” he said.
If you feel like your bad lecturing habit has been exposed, you’re not alone. Plenty of parents in the comments felt the same way.
“Wow, that really hurts at first, but yes, very true!” one commented.
“I hated my parents lecturing me and now I do it to my kids and they don’t listen anyway! 😩” another said.
Some weren’t quite ready to admit guilt. Many parents questioned how they would get their kid to do, well, anything without a big speech.
“Ok, but what about when you ask them to do the same exact thing and they keep doing it- ie: don’t leave your wet towel on the floor or in your bed. Even when they tell you they’ve picked it up,” one user asked.
“Honest answer?” Martin responded. “You’ll lecture for 18 years and it won’t change a thing. Chill. Those things don’t matter in the long run.”
Yup, the big lesson is to simply “chill.” It’s certainly not an easy thing to do as a parent, but it will do you, and your kids, a service in the long run.
