Mental Load Privilege Is Real & Mostly Men Benefit From It

The perpetual problem in my household always comes down to the mental load. My husband and I just never seem to find a rhythm when it comes to household management (dishes, lawn work, organizing, etc.) along with everything else that comes with being a human (taking the dog to the vet, car maintenance, our daughter’s sign-ups, etc.) There is just so much that has to be done. Sure, it can all be overwhelming, but (usually) I am the one who gets it all done, or it won’t get done at all.

I am consistently frustrated and resentful of my husband because I do take on most of the mental load. How did I get stuck in this position? Where did I go wrong? Is it actually my fault? His fault? One woman on Threads breaks down mental load responsibility and mental load privilege that mostly men are awarded.

“Most men have ‘mental load privilege’ in the home,” Sam Kelly wrote in a multi-post Thread.

“The ‘mental load’ of managing a home...refers to the behind-the-scenes work that is always happening in the background in order for the home and family to function well. It's the 901384 tabs open simultaneously in a parent's head, all day, every day. The person in the family who usually does the vast majority of this invisible labor is...the mom.”

So, why is this so? The answer is four-fold (at the very least).

“Why do moms typically carry the majority of the family's mental load? Because we're conditioned to believe it's our ‘job.’ Because we grew up watching our own mom always ‘do it all.’ Because our society tells us we're just naturally ‘better at it’ than men. Because we're programmed to equate being a ‘good mom’ with managing everything for everyone constantly,” she wrote.

Straight facts. Growing up, I remember my mom pretty much doing everything (while working) and she called herself “The Little Red Hen” with pride. If you recall, the kid’s story of the little red hen is about a hen, living in a barn with all her animal friends, and somehow, she ends up doing all the work herself. My mom even calls me the “little red hen” now when she hears me complain about my own mental load.

But here’s the difference between my mom and the actual ending of the story, the little red hen does everything herself and then she keeps everything for herself with no one else benefiting. In the real world, her husband and her kids benefited from all my mom’s hard work.

So, why does this patriarchal imbalance still exist?

“Not only do most men grow up with these cultural messages and wildly unrealistic expectations pounded into their heads from day 1...they aren't even AWARE it's a thing for women,” she continued.

“Most men don't know what ‘the invisible labor of managing a home and family’ actually means- how it feels. Most men have no idea what goes on in women's heads every second, of every day so the family can keep running and everyone's needs can keep getting met. Most men don't know what it feels like to be the one person, in a family full of capable humans, who's shouldering the exhausting load of having to ‘do it all’ alone.”

We all live under this patriarchal, sexist notion that caregiving and household management is some “natural” skill for women, when in fact, all of those tasks are gender-neutral.

“Women aren't naturally more detailed-oriented than men. Women aren't naturally better at managing, overseeing, and mentally tracking things than men. I mean...Those fantasy football teams don't run themselves, ya know?” she wrote.

Boom. Mic drop!

Kelly vows to change the discourse when it comes to raising her kids.

“I don't want my son to inherit ‘mental load privilege.’ I don't want my daughters to inherit motherhood burnout. So I'm intentionally teaching them about ALL of this...Lightening my own load in the process...and breaking the cycle for future generations. 🔥”

Kelly’s opinion is backed up by science. In fact, a new study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family proves what, let’s be honest, you already knew: moms are carrying the majority of the mental load for their families.

The researchers, collaborators from the University of Bath and the University of Melbourne, found that mothers dealt with 71% of the “cognitive household labor,” while fathers handled only 45 percent.

“This kind of work is often unseen, but it matters,” explained Dr. Ana Catalano Weeks, one of the lead researchers. “It can lead to stress, burnout and even impact women’s careers. In many cases, resentment can build, creating strain between couples.”

And they wonder why we’re always on edge!