18 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids to Stay Sane

Last Sunday, as we drove home after an exhausting tournament, in a heavy downpour, my kids suggested we continue the nonstop excitement by going to see a movie. Frankly, my eyes were closing just thinking about my cozy bed and if I wasn’t the one driving, I think I would’ve passed out cold.

Me: “Wow guys, that’s a great idea! Oh, wait, I forgot, they don’t show movies after 8PM on Sundays. Darnit. Maybe tomorrow.”

Yes, I’m always quick to throw out a creative, well placed lie. Ry, my 9yo daughter, quickly to accessed the statement, and confident in its validity, went back to whatever she was playing my iPhone. My son J, who’s 12, went back to his phone too. After a short pause, he said, “Mom, what are you talking about? They have an 8:25.”

Damn you interwebs from ruining the only sanity saver I had left!

Here’s the thing, Moms lie. We do — and frankly a fast thinking fib can be the difference between a good night’s sleep and being sent to padded room. You see, mothers are a brilliantly dishonest bunch. And deception is one of the strongest tools in our arsenal (well, until your children figure out how to look things up on Google, that is).

Of course, we fabricate things in different ways. There are the universal terms and phrases, and there are the incredibly creative lies that we tell to prevent a meltdown, an argument or simply to give us a moment of peace and a brief reprieve.

Here are some of the best lies moms tell their kids to save sanity, furniture, face, time, and money… (Thanks to my genius Facebook fans for their help!) Feel free to steal any and all you may need.

1. They don’t give you ketchup at drive-thrus.

2. The lunch lady calls me when you don’t eat your sandwich.

3. The cat is allergic to Moon Sand, so we can’t have any in the house — for her safety.

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4. You didn’t get money from the Tooth Fairy last night? That’s because she doesn’t work the 3rd Tuesday of the month. I should have told you. I’m sure she’ll come tonight.

5. They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.

6. Harry Styles hates girls who don’t listen to their parents. Now, go brush your teeth and don’t forget to floss.

7. There are no cartoons on at night because that’s when the characters sleep.

8. The ice cream man only plays that song when they’re out of ice cream.

9. It’s such a shame; the movies, arcade, and bowling alley are all closed after 6PM on weeknights.

10. The restaurant I’m going to with Daddy doesn’t allow kids or we would totally take you … I think the waiters say inappropriate things.

11. No, this isn’t a brownie. It’s a breakfast bar and it has lots of protein and fiber and even spinach in it. Do you want one?

12. Animals want to be eaten, it give them such joy to be chosen as your food. Here’s some chicken … go ahead make it happy.

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13. Unicorns are real, but you only see one when you’re being really good. What, you haven’t seen any? Well, you have to be even better.

14. Babies come from the internet and that baby sister you wanted is on back-order.

15. Chuck E. Cheese’s is only for birthday parties; you have to be invited to one to go there.

16. What do the signs say? Um, no running, no touching, no talking. (I’m so screwed when he learns to read!)

17. The stuffed animals will be lonely for their friends if we take them out of the store.

And of course the most universal (and ironic) Mom Lie…

18. I’m your mother, I would never lie to you!