I’m Finally Learning To Navigate PMS, Just As My Daughter Is Starting To Manage Hers

For 24 hours every month, I hate my family. Two days later my period arrives. At which point, I am relieved because it means I didn’t actually hate them, it was just my period. This happens EVERY SINGLE MONTH. I have been menstruating for 35 years. You’d think I’d get the hang of this period thing by now. But apparently, when it comes to my own body, I can still be caught off guard by something that happens every 28 days.

Why does this monthly psychodrama frustrate me? Sure, I can go on being irate and then surprised and then relieved every month for as long as I menstruate. But in truth, understanding my body and its patterns makes my life so much better. And I want my daughter to know more than I do. I want her to understand her body’s rhythms and signs so that it’s not a mystery or a surprise to her. The world will tell her to suck it up or that it’s not a big deal, but I’m determined to help her forge a new path. I want her to experience embodiment where she is connected to and aware of how her body feels and why. Not an enemy to be battled or a burden to be resented, but a lifelong companion.

I know it sounds obvious (and slightly bizarre), but our bodies are with us forever. They’re like a close friend with whom we continue to connect and grow with, continually morphing through different life stages, just like our friends. As someone who has learned to manage menstruation, carried four pregnancies, delivered four babies, and am soon to embark on menopause, I have learned this lesson again and again.

• Ugh, why do I have such dark circles under my eyes? Of course – my period is coming.
• What’s that weird twinge on one side of my abdomen? Oh right, I’m ovulating, that is mittelschmerz (not kidding, that's what the slight pain during ovulation is called).
• My back is killing me out of nowhere. Ah yes, I’m about to get my period.

The trick with teaching my daughter how to manage her own period is certainly tactical on some level — try this size pad to start, here’s what you do when you get blood in your underwear — and I don’t want to minimize how important logistical considerations are. They are often the biggest worries that kids have. Things like: ibuprofen isn’t working, what else can I do? I can still remember the first time my pediatrician told me to take Aleve instead of ibuprofen, a total game changer. Or when my British mother-in-law introduced me to the joys of a hot water bottle, the most delicious relief.

But teaching embodiment is not something you instruct another person to do, it’s a journey of self-awareness. With my own kid, I can be a guide, curious and available for her own process of self-discovery. My goal is to give her the tools to do the work of understanding herself.

Here are some ways I helped my daughter begin to understand her period, partly to help her manage the day to day and partly to build a self-awareness of her own body:

Keep checking in over the first few years of her period. We get so focused on the first period, but there’s a long, winding road after that first marker. And this is a time when brass tacks are in order. Some questions to ask: Are the products you’re using comfortable? Have you heard about any new products that you want to try? Making sure you’re restocking your period pack and keeping it in your backpack? Summer is coming up – do you want to try using a tampon or choose some period bathing suits?

Periods should not get in the way of normal life. If they do, there’s work to do. Historically girls were told to just deal with it, but these could be signs that there may be something more going on. So, for example, if your kid is bleeding through highly absorbent pads every hour or not sleeping through the night because of their heavy flow, it’s time to see the doctor. If her pain is so intense she can’t make it through the school day, it’s time to see the doctor. If her period is still irregular more than two years after she first got it, time to see the doctor. But kids won’t always tell us, which means we need to keep checking in and keeping an eye out.

Mood swings during puberty are normal but it’s important to know if low mood or big emotions are related to hormones, or something else. It can be worrying to a kid to feel really upset or angry or down and not know why. That’s why explaining the hormonal cycling that happens during a menstrual cycle can be very reassuring. And why it’s important to know if those feelings are unrelated to a period. In that case, there may be something else going on and a good time to speak to a mental health professional or your physician.

Things no one told you! There are so many aspects of menstruation and just having a uterus and ovaries that no one tells you about. Yes, bloating seems to have gotten a lot of PR, but somehow exhaustion, dark circles under the eyes, period poops and so on didn’t have the same publicity. The same way you encourage a kid to track their period (with an app that doesn’t sell their data please), you can also encourage them to notice other symptoms and share them with you. And perhaps share some of yours with them, too. If you don’t have a talker, it’s on you to consistently check in. The hardest thing for young people is when they think they’re “the only one” going through something.

I recently told my whole family (my three sons too) that I can’t stand them all for 24 hours every month. When they recovered from their shock and indignation, I explained to them why. It wasn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card but rather a chance to model for all of them, my sons and my daughter, how I get in touch with my own body, too. Embodiment is hopefully a sense everyone develops, regardless of gender. It’s a lifelong process, like a good friendship, that we all deserve.

Vanessa Kroll Bennett is a bestselling author and puberty educator who helps adults navigate uncertainty while supporting the kids they love. She is co-author of the national bestselling book This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, co-host of the This Is So Awkward podcast, and President of Content at Less Awkward. Vanessa has four children, ages 14 to 21.