I Had To Learn To Parent With My Husband After Growing Up In A Single Parent Home

I grew up an only child in a single parent home. My parents divorced when I was three years old, and I rarely saw my father. So my mom had no choice but to take on every role in our household: she was the breadwinner, the cook, the cleaner, the bill payer and my only parent and role model.

Growing up, my mom and I were close. With only two of us in our immediate family, we talked all the time. But growing up in a quiet home made me wish for a noisier household. One with two parents and siblings I hoped would play together.

Years later, when I became a mom myself, I thought I would easily slip into the give-and-take of a two-parent household. I assumed that two parents would lighten the load, and I would have an easier time than my mom did.

My husband and I both cared for the house, had jobs with a similar schedule and took our rescue dog to obedience school at night.

Before our daughter was born, we interviewed pediatricians and chose our daycare together. He went to birthing classes, breastfeeding classes and even cooking classes with me. But, as most new parents eventually realize, caring for a baby is an experience you can’t easily prepare for. And in those very early months, when I was on maternity leave and he had to go back to the office full-time, I was the one who was home caring for our daughter. So I had to make many in-the-moment caregiving decisions. As hard as it was to be a new mom, I was comfortable taking on that leadership role after watching my own mom do everything herself.

By the time my husband got home each evening, I was too exhausted to report back on the day and share specifics. I kept a diary of when the baby ate so we could get her on a consistent schedule, something concrete my husband could read. But I was less inclined to verbally update him when all I wanted to do was sleep. I never imagined I would need to learn how to parent as a team, but I knew it wasn’t how I wanted our home to be in the long term.

I had to get better at communicating what was happening during the day and passing off that information. It was important to me that we made joint decisions about her daycare, teachers, doctors and social plans.

Two years later, our second baby was born with multiple disabilities and life became complex. Numerous professionals were telling us how to care for our son, but we received conflicting opinions. We had to make quick decisions, had more responsibility and even less time as a couple alone. We were drowning, so we decided to see a therapist.

For one hour once a week my husband and I talked with our therapist about how we were individually handling the recent changes in our home. We caught up on conversations we had with doctors, communication with friends and family and little things we noticed about our babies’ development. That one hour gave us a chance to get on the same page, and made the rest of the week easier.

Scheduled time with a therapist taught me how important it is to carve out even just one hour a week to touch base with my husband and make sure we discuss as many of our responsibilities as possible. When we each know what we have on our plates, there’s less room for resentment. We also learn which roles we are each better suited to take on based on our individual attributes.

Today, we have three kids who are 14,12 and 10-years-old. Some days I still struggle not to make decisions in a silo. It’s natural for me to make choices and run with them.

To make things easier, my husband and I have a joint calendar. We do our best to talk about the week ahead of time and coordinate our plans. We share stories with one another that our kids tell us, so we both know what’s happening in their lives. I’ve learned to ask for help when I feel overloaded and need to step back, and he does the same. We do our best to sneak away and carve out time to talk about the kids and the house, but then talk about our own lives.

We still occasionally visit our therapist, especially if we’re working through something. More often than not, I learn something new about someone in our family at those sessions. And I’m grateful we take the time to make it happen.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that my husband and I have always had the same priorities and plans for our family. We rarely disagree when we need to make a decision. Learning how to communicate better was key; with so many moving parts we have to work as a team so we grow together, rather than apart.

Jaclyn Greenberg is a former tax accountant who became a freelance writer when her son was born with multiple disabilities. Jaclyn now writes about parenting, accessibility and inclusion and has written for The New York Times, CNN, Wired, Huffpost, Parents, Good Housekeeping, Fodor’s and other places. She’s working on a memoir about sticking together as a family of five. LinkedIn, Instagram, X, Website.