My Husband Has ADHD. Should That Make Me the Default Parent?

My husband and I have been together for over a decade, and married for more than half of that. While no marriage is perfect, he is about as supportive and loving a partner as one could have. Whether it's pursuing a job, dealing with pregnancy, or helping parent our daughter, I couldn't ask for a bigger cheerleader or help.

I've known that he has ADHD since we first started dating. He was first diagnosed as a child, displaying many of the classic symptoms of the disorder: hyperactivity, impulsivity, and poor organizational skills. But, despite the often negative connotations associated with ADHD and his own troubles with the disorder, it's ingrained in parts of his personality that are some of the things I love the most.

His desire to go from task to task can be perfect for the physical parts of parenting, like when our daughter wants to go from suddenly playing with Magna-Tiles to pretending to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast. The way his brain works also makes him a quick thinker, with the ability to see things from a different perspective than anyone else I know (a problem-solving skill that has lent itself well to his work).

But that doesn't mean that there aren't challenges as well. Some of the symptoms that have been most frustrating — both for himself and for me as his partner — have been forgetfulness, an inability to organize, and getting easily distracted. Before we had a kid, these were all things that could be irritating. I found myself having to remind him to clean up and do household chores or helping him remember to make appointments or put things on his calendar. However, when it was just the two of us, it was manageable.

As I've explained to him, having to remind him of something just adds to my mental load.

Adding a kid into the mix changed that completely. It was after our daughter was born that I learned about the phrase default parent, referring to a parent who is primarily responsible for childcare tasks and household management. Because we both have jobs and parent equally, I figured we'd have no problem being equal on household tasks — my hope was that there would be no "default parent." I was wrong.

One of the biggest surprises for me with parenthood was the concept of the "mental load." Basically, this is the invisible work involved in managing a household and family. It's remembering appointments, planning childcare, remembering any details, and just making sure the needs of everyone in the house are met. Not to generalize, but in heterosexual couples, this often tends to fall on the mom. And in my case, because of my husband's ADHD symptoms, it fell on me hard.

None of it has ever been ill-intentioned or purposeful, but it has been there. When it comes to planning out my daughter's meals, that's me. Planning out daycare projects, making appointments, ensuring the household is taken care of — that has all fallen on me. And the truth of the matter is that it's not out of a sense of laziness or not caring.

I have had 10+ years to understand how my husband's brain works, and I know there is a disconnect that stops him from automatically taking on this mental load like I have. When it comes to doing the laundry, he could look at a pile of dirty clothes for a week before realizing something should be done. For me, that thought comes within seconds. When I remind him to do something, it will get done... but, as I've explained to him, having to remind him of something just adds to my mental load.

I wish I could say that, almost three years into parenting, I've learned the secret to helping both him and myself. The truth of that matter is that we now have a second kid on the way, and much of this still persists. It's a topic I talk about a lot in therapy, walking the fine line of knowing I have a genuinely strong partner and co-parent, and also wishing he'd carry more of the mental load.

The truth of where we are is a lot of conversations, reminders, and meeting him where he is. While some days are easier than others, I've had to accept the fact that our brains don't work in the same way, and he's had to accept the same. While the mental load I carry may be heavier, I'm at least thankful that he wants to take on some of that weight — even if I have to be very direct with handing it to him.