How to throw a baby shower, while parenting your own child

Throwing a baby shower is work enough, but when you’re a parent? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Here are some tips for how to throw a baby shower in the best way possible. Or at least survive it in one piece.

1. Wake up 2-3 hours early, as this will still not be enough time. It’s a certainty that someone will poop his pants right as you’re packing 11 bags of decorations into the car. Hopefully, it’s your child, because you’re wearing a dress.

2. Don’t go to a fabric store to “be inspired.” If you’re not one to whom “inspiration” comes organically, it’s not going to come to you while standing in the middle of the value fabric aisle with your 2-year-old alternating between screaming, “I neeee-duh get OUT!” and “NO!” to any and every costumer who touches a piece of merchandise.

3. Don’t over plan. If you want to be ahead of the game, putting a quiche crust in the oven while you are simultaneously applying makeup, changing a diaper, and juggling flame torches might cause you more hassle than it’s worth.

4. Don’t attempt to prepare a menu item for the first time the day of the shower. I have to blowtorch 16 crème brulées individually?! F that.

5. Don’t worry about your gift presentation. During the two painstaking hours of gift opening, everyone will be too busy fantasizing about standing in line at the DMV to notice your birthday dinosaurs and wedding bells wrapping paper combo. But, don’t let your cherub manhandle the present prior to wrapping. Nothing says: “This gift is awesome” like a thick coating of your kid’s grimy fingerprints all over it.

6. Don’t read Go the Fuck to Sleep out loud if you think it will offend the Grandmas-to-be. Actually, read it anyway, because then everyone will think you’re that sassy, progressive host. Just don’t leave it out for your kid to discover the day before. “Daddee- weeee-duh Tiger book!” Oh, Junior, I hate to break it to you, but this book is not about tigers…

7. Don’t underestimate the power of delegation. Force your own mother to make 36 bows from scratch, and then take full credit for how cute they are.

8. Have some idea of whom and how many guests to expect so you’re not constantly sneaking off to the powder room to load the Evite on your phone. And consider nametags, so you aren’t playing the all-too-familiar game of, “Oh, hey Chrissy…ty…teeene…” “How’s Gabe…riel…riella… How’s your daughter?”

9. Laugh at others people’s dumb questions:

• Guest to guest: – When are you due? – Oh, I’m not pregnant.
• Grandma to guest: – Didn’t you just have a baby? – Um, no.
• Idiot host to mother-to-be: – Is that all? Who’s that gift from again?

10. As for shower games: Don’t play any. Just. DON’T.