Hear Me Out: I Bribe My Kids To Hang Out With Me

When my babies were little, they wanted to be held all the time, by me, preferably. Even when they were little kids, every day started with a nice, long hug. But as my older children have grown into tweens, they’ve pulled away, noticeably and painfully. My sparkling personality is no longer enough to get them to want to spend time with me. They now prefer to spend time with their friends, in person or virtually. They are busy with sports and after-school activities. Even when they’re home, they often choose to spend time in their rooms, alone, on a different floor than me. Many days the only glimpses I get of my older children, now 13 and 17, are when they whiz by me on their way to their bedrooms and when they bound loudly down the steps asking what’s for dinner. On weekends, they vacillate between having packed schedules and not wanting to do much of anything at all.

When they were little, a trip to the DMV to renew my driver’s license, alone, was cause for celebration. They couldn’t bear to be far from me but now, instead of trying to plot breaks from my offspring, I’ve started to bribe them to hang out with me, hoping to steal moments of their time.

At home, they usually flee the dinner table after five minutes, but I’ve learned I can get them to linger over their favorite pizza at a sit-down restaurant. I can get their (nearly) undivided attention on a walk to get ice cream. My teens will go to a movie with me with the promise of popcorn, chocolate, and soda. We chat on the ride there and back, no phones allowed.

And you know what? It works. These bribes for stolen time have turned into some of the best times I’ve had with my teens. With the promise of a treat, we tell jokes and laugh. We have great conversations over spontaneous trips for something they want and will enjoy. These outings are never forced, and they always involve something fun. They are low-stakes and the perfect way to get my kids to spend time with me, willingly and mostly without resentment.

When I first started suggesting bribes in exchange for their time, my children were resistant. They would say, “Mom, I don’t want to go, but can you bring something back for me?” The answer is almost always a resounding no. I tell them, “No, you cannot have Chipotle if you don’t come with me to get pick it up. No, I will not get a Frappuccino to go, but I’ll get you one if you promise to sit at Starbucks with me while you drink it. No, I will not order that video game, eye shadow, or shirt you don’t need, but we can go to pick it out together.” At first, my teens were upset. “What’s the difference if I go with you or not? The price is the same either way,” they said. “It’s not fair.” But I made the rules, and they could play along or not.

Now my teens know what to expect. If they don’t come with me, they won’t get the treat. I wish I didn’t have to bribe my kids to spend time with me, but I don’t feel guilty and I won’t stop. I cherish the experiences these bribes create, and the bonds they form. Sometimes, now that spending time with me is more routine, they will volunteer to accompany me on errands or some other outing not completely focused on them. This doesn’t happen often, but I’m ecstatic when it does, and I know my bribes laid the foundation.

The years I spent with a small child glued to my side seemed to stretch on forever. I thought they would never end, but now I know better. Not many years from now, my teens will fly the coup. I will miss even the briefest interactions I have with them at home. I will miss the opportunities I have to spend the time I do get with them. If I have to bribe them to spend time with me while they are home, I will do what it takes without regret.

Jamie Davis Smith is a mother of four in Washington, DC. She is an attorney and explorer who always has a bag packed. Jamie has written for Travel & Leisure, USA Today, the Washington Post, Fodor's Travel, Viator, Yahoo, the Huffington Post, Romper, Tinybeans, Insider, The Expedition, and Reviewed among many other publications.