100+ Funny Thanksgiving Quotes To Ruffle Your Butterball Feathers

Ah, Thanksgiving — the day your stretchy pants meet their destiny. Between the turkey, the pumpkin pie, the Thanksgiving cupcakes, and all the other gratifying foods, some delicious memories are being created. It’s impossible not to feel a little nostalgic when you’re sitting around the table with your loved ones, staring at the bountiful meal you’re lucky enough to share. Or when you’ve finished eating, have full bellies (and the start of a tryptophan buzz), and start telling Thanksgiving jokes and Thanksgiving riddles to see who can come up with the best turkey-themed punchline. It’s not surprising there are so many Thanksgiving quotes that make the rounds on social media each year as soon as the calendar hits Nov. 1. People like to wax poetic about a day that feels so warm, cozy, and indulgent!

Of course, this holiday isn’t always a laughing matter. For many of us, Thanksgiving can be a day of a little too much family togetherness. If you’ve never found yourself squarely in the middle of a family feud on this drama-magnet date, well, just be patient; you will at some point. Luckily, this massive list of blithesome Thanksgiving quotes will lighten up your mood faster than you can say Butterball.

Light-Hearted Thanksgiving Quotes To Celebrate Turkey Day

1. “Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” — Johnny Carson
2. “If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” — Mitch Hedberg
3. “I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” — Craig Ferguson
4. “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck
5. “Thanksgiving: when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook.” — Melanie White
6. “Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” — Kenny Rogerson
7. “Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.” — Dave Barry
8. “I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” — Jon Stewart
9. “Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape… to play Santa Claus.” — Melanie White
10. “Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving I’m not a butterball turkey.” — Just Bill
11. “A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” — Jimmy Fallon
12. “You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, ‘Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.'” — Dylan Brody
13. “I don’t eat pumpkin pie. It’s made from the guts of jack-o-lanterns, and that’s just spooky.” — Melanie White
14. “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” — Ambrose Bierce

1. “I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the ‘history’ I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be overeating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all.” — Ellen Orleans
2. “A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” — Kin Hubbard
3. “It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general.” — Cornelius Plantinga Jr.
4. “I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” — Howie Mandel
5. “OMG, I gave thanks for everything yesterday, but it was the WRONG DAY.” — Steve Martin
6. “What do you call a short video from Thanksgiving that keeps repeating? ThanksGIFing.” — Ellen DeGeneres
7. “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” — Phyllis Diller
8. “Stove Top Dressing: satisfying your craving for a big bowl full of wet onions and mush since 1957!” — Mike Vanatta
9. “If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!'” — Jack Handey
10. “For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” — Andy Borowitz
11. “Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” — John Lyon
12. “My Thanksgiving wish is that every time someone says they ate so much they’re going to explode, they actually do.” — Guy Endore-Kaiser
13. “Fun Prank: Once people are finished, tell them your signature Thanksgiving Bloody Mary gets most of its’ flavor from raw turkey gizzards.” — Martin Munson
14. “*deep fries turkey

*deep fries deck *deep fries backyard *deep fries house *deep fries neighborhood *deep fries los angeles” — Grant Tanaka

1. “I love Thanksgiving! When else can you eat too much and watch football? Except for like every weekend.” — Ellen DeGeneres
2. “Thanksgiving recipe for Rick:

Preheat man cave to 72 degrees. Set TV to football. Stuff with turkey. Let rest for 10-12 hours.” — Rick Aaron

1. “Would love to have just one Thanksgiving without getting into an argument during dinner that leads to me being ejected from Denny’s.” — Bridger Winegar
2. “Note to self: when they ask you what you’re thankful for, don’t just list off your prescriptions.” — Emily Lime
3. “Time flies, even if turkeys don’t.” — Barack Obama
4. “Every Thanksgiving I bring the champagne, because in my family we all know what our strengths are.” — Gloria Fallon
5. “If your in-laws are coming for Thanksgiving now is a good time to start brining the turkey in your tears.” — Rick Aaron
6. “Just got a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail from my gastroenterologist.” — Damien Fahey
7. “The sweet nostalgia of Thanksgiving when we all admire Nana’s prized soup tureen, which she brought with her when she emigrated from Sears.” — Annie Hatfield
8. “I love spending Thanksgiving surrounded by all these great friends I met in the Best Buy parking lot.” — John Lyon
9. “I’m thankful for each and every one of you. Now stop hiding in the broom closet reading tweets and get back with your family.” — Ellen DeGeneres
10. “The doctor told me I can’t drive a forklift on the medication he prescribed. And like that, my Thanksgiving is completely ruined.” — Bridger Winegar
11. “What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
12. “Thanksgiving journal, Day 3: Have come to regard eating pie 3-5 times a day as normal. Wearing a bed sheet as a toga because nothing fits.” — John Lyon
13. “Fun game: Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon ‘How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?'” — Marlebean

1. “*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*” — Annie Hatfield
2. “Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” — Rita Rudner
3. “Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colbert
4. “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” — Kevin James
5. “Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” – P. J. O’Rourke
6. “The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'” — Jim Gaffigan
7. “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet
8. “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” — Jay Leno
9. “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!” — David Letterman
10. “The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, ‘I don’t need a pardon. I need a job.'” — Conan O’Brien
11. “My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.” — Rita Rudner
12. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” — Reba McEntire
13. “It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.” — Russell Baker
14. “Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey — until Thanksgiving.” — Mike Connolly
15. “There are four unbroken rules when it comes to Thanksgiving: There must be turkey and dressing, cranberries, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie.” — John Hadamuscin
16. “After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” — Oscar Wilde
17. “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” — Erma Bombeck
18. “Ever since you’re little, you hear this: ‘The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.’ But even when you’re little you’re like, ‘Umm.. Bullsh*t?'” — Greg Proops
19. “Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.” — Nicole Hollander
20. “On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” — William Jennings Bryan
21. “I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.” — Todd Barry
22. “This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” — Andre Kelley
23. “Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.” — Melanie White
24. “Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.'” — David Letterman
25. “May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey plump, may your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious, and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” — Grandpa Jones
26. “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” — Jim Davis
27. “Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” — Richard Roeper
28. “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” — William Arthur Ward
29. “Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” — Adam Sandler
30. “Tomorrow, I guarantee you we will be standing on the Olympic platform, receiving our gold medals for eating.” — Lorelai Gilmore
31. “The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.” — Louis C.K.
32. “Thanksgiving is stupid… you eat and you watch football. Let’s all take the day off work.” — Jim Jefferies
33. “Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.” — Augusten Burroughs
34. “Everybody bring a dish… folks, that means bring it made. Otherwise, you’re freaking everybody out.” — Todd Glass
35. “Who knew the pilgrims liked football so much? Love the pilgrims!” — John Caponera
36. “It is now common knowledge that the average American gains seven pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.” — Marilu Henner
37. “My mom makes something called green pie, which I thought was a delicacy that many people only had at Thanksgiving, but it turns out it was just Jell-O with whipped cream on it. And it’s delicious.” — Bobby Moynihan
38. “On the morning of Thanksgiving, I would wake up to the home smelling of all good things, wafting upstairs to my room. I would set the table with the fancy silverware and china and hope that my parents and grandmother wouldn’t have the annual Thanksgiving fight about Richard Nixon.” — Debi Mazar
39. “When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, ‘You shouldn’t be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'” — Lewis Black
40. “It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it.” — Alistair Cooke
41. “Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths. At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings.” — J. Robert Moskin
42. “Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” — Tom Swyers
43. “It’s like being at the kids’ table at Thanksgiving — you can put your elbows on it, you don’t have to talk politics… no matter how old I get, there’s always a part of me that’s sitting there.” — John Hughes
44. “You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.” — De Nada Donna
45. “Thanksgiving is America’s favorite holiday because it’s a time when we put aside our cares, much as the struggling Pilgrims did nearly four centuries ago, and eat a gut-busting meal without worrying about the ‘out years.’” — David Ignatius
46. “I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” — Robert Brault
47. “Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” — Michael Dresser
48. “It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” — Phyllis Diller
49. “Always have an attitude of gratitude.” — Sterling K. Brown
50. “Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” – Lindsey Bareham
51. “The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can all agree so vehemently about? I don’t think so.” — Nora Ephron
52. “Thanksgiving is the meal we aspire for other meals to resemble.” — Jonathan Safran Foer
53. “Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day.” — Robert Caspar-Lintner
54. “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.” — Melody Beattie
55. “Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.” — William Shakespeare
56. “After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” — Oscar Wilde
57. “If you are really thankful, what do you do? You share.” — W. Clement Stone
58. “My fondest memories are generally the day after Thanksgiving. I get the total decorating Christmas itch.” — Katharine McPhee