A Psychologist Argues Against Large Friend Groups For Teens
Having more than one or two friends as a teen creates way too much drama, according to this expert.
There is truly no soap opera that can capture teen friendship drama — and parents can attest that the only thing worse than suffering from the Shakespearian plots of middle school lunch table politics is watching your own child struggle through it.
The hardest part of witnessing your teen’s friend drama is that there’s really not much you can do to help (at least, without taking an great, big leap into helicopter parent territory). But a psychologist has a suggestion that might help your kid avoid the mess in the first place.
On an episode of the Re:Thinking podcast, psychologist and mom Lisa Damour shared her suggestion that tweens and teens avoid big friendship groups, in a clip shared host Adam Grant’s Instagram.
“You cannot get a collection of people together who like one another equally once you’re hitting for than two or three people,” Damour explained. “You can't do this at any age, and you sure as heck can't do it in the seventh grade.”
Seventh grade is certainly hard, but might a large group of friends to seek support from make it easier? Not according to Damour.
“The least stressed and thus happiest kids have one or two good friends,” she explained.
Damour continued to say that if your kid is settled into one of these compact friend groups, to tell them they’re on the right path. But, for kids struggling in large friend groups, this information could be of some solace.
“If your kid is in a large friendship group with a lot of drama, which is basically to be assumed, you can just say, ‘Look, it's not your fault. It's too many kids trying to hang out with each other,’” she said.
For these kids, she suggested asking your child if there is one or two friends within the larger group that they’re closest to, and encouraging them to create stronger bonds with them.
Damour’s advice received mixed reviews. Many commenters were all for compact friend groups.
“Love this!!!! I was and still am like this. Was worried about my daughter who has 3 friends but she is fine. Quality over quantity...,” one mom commented.
“Friend groups throughout middle school and HS can also set some students up for disappointment and loneliness in college and beyond,” added another user. “Expectations often can’t be met because the life dynamics are so different. And not knowing how to function without the group can make it even harder to work through life changes.”
But, plenty of commenters also sang the praises of big friend groups.
“You learn different skills and gain different experiences from both types of relationships. The key is to teach your kid (or yourself) that relationships within a larger friend group may vary and that’s okay,” one user said.
“It is very narrowed in thinking to say 1-2 friends is the “ideal” or insinuating this.. and this kind of messaging could be unsupportive for adults or parents who have children with attachment systems that would actually benefit from larger groups and community settings,” added another.
Damour’s take is certainly a controversial one, and I imagine most people’s thoughts on the matter probably stem from their personal experiences in friendship. I grew up with big friend groups and largely avoided major drama, while I know plenty of people who struggled when groups of two or three fell apart. So, if you’re asking me, I would say the more, the merrier!
