It’s Time We Stop Thinking That Domestic Responsibilities Are An Act Of Service To Our Partner

If you and your partner had children, and your relationship stayed exactly the same, you should probably sell an advice book. For most people, adding kids to the equation can change a relationship drastically — and that’s to be expected when you suddenly have a bunch of little people’s lives in your hands.

Changes to your relationship post-kids are almost inevitable, but there are some relationship traps that can be avoided if you’re aware of them. Roísín Tarrant of @geebungalow shared how she and her husband found themselves in one such trap — and, how they got out.

“One of the biggest relationship traps I feel like my husband and I fell into when we had our first baby, and then it happened again when we had our twins, and that is getting into the habit of thinking that doing things for the children is therefore doing something for your partner,” she said.

“Both of us are acts of service love language people,” Tarrant explained. “We found ourselves getting into the trap of being like, Oh, I made the kids dinner and, well, I washed all of their clothes, thinking that it was a way of showing love for the other person.”

She said that it’s important to distinguish between the tasks required to keep a household and a growing family together, and investing in your individual relationship with your partner.

“We had a discussion about it, and we made a really conscious effort to do things like filling up the other person's water bottle, making them a cup of tea, getting them a fresh towel in the shower, things that are for your partner only and for no one else, that don't take a huge amount of time or effort, and just being more conscious about it,” Tarrant said. “It completely transformed our connection.”

She explained that raising children left her feeling so incredibly drained by the end of the day, that she felt like she had nothing left to give to her husband. And, of course, kids are exhausting! But, the couple’s decision to put effort towards finding even the smallest ways to show love directly to each other made all the difference.

“It's made my life easier because my connection with my husband is so much better,” she said. “Relationships post-kids can be really, really hard, and I think that I have literally the gold standard of husband, so it is completely normal if you feel like your relationship has gone through a massive shift.”

Parents applauded Tarrant’s honesty and shared their similar experiences in the comments.

“Literally have been feeling so hopeless trying to figure out why our connection is suffering so badly since having our first son who just turned one, and I’m 5 months pregnant again…and you just hit the nail on the head,” one user said. “Will definitely be discussing this with him and hopefully it will help!!🙏🏻”

“Thanks for this reminder, bc sometimes the kid work makes it easy to keep score and forget parenting isn’t a game you are trying to win at against your partner,” said another.

“One of the things I’ve noticed in this new season with our baby is that our love languages have shifted a bit,” another user added. “Since quality time is rarer, it feels like a higher priority.”

So, to all the new parents, and even veterans out there, think about what you can do for your husband or wife — not just what you can do for your kids’ mom or dad.