Nursery Rhymes for Moms

Don’t you want to squish that itsy bitsy spider? I mean, seriously, how many times is he going up the @#$% water spout and do we have to sing a freaking song about it every single time? Patty cake is cute, I’ll give you that. But “mark it with a B”? How about we mark it with an M for mommy and I wolf it down over the kitchen sink the minute the kids are in bed?

Moms, we need our own nursery rhymes. They should be catchy, but make actual sense—unlike, say, Hey Diddle Diddle. (WTF, little dog laughing?) Because when you’re starting to crack like Humpty Dumpty, you may as well crack yourself up…

ONE TWO

One, two. Put on your #%*@ shoes. Three, four. They’re right by the door. Five, six. What did you just lick? Seven, eight. No snack. You just ate! Nine, ten. Sigh. Late again.

HICKORY DICKORY

Hickory dickory dock Can you please stop touching your %^&*? You went number one but now you’re all done. Hickory dickory %^&*.

LITTLE BO PEEP

Little Bo Peep can’t fall asleep and doesn’t know how to stop crying. Just leave her alone. She’ll nod off on her own. They call it Ferberizing.

HERE IS THE CHURCH

This is the church. This is the steeple. Duck down in your seat. We know all those people.

HUSH LITTLE BABY

Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, and I’ll let you play some Angry Birds. And if that stupid pig won’t die give it your brother and he can try.