To My Husband: 5 Reasons We Aren't Having Sex While I'm Pregnant

We have to talk. I know all of those hot, hot trips to the bedroom we took while trying to conceive got you pretty used to regularly hitting the sack with yours truly, but times they are a-changin’. You see, just a few short months ago, I was NOT pregnant, and I had a lot of good things going for me. Like a libido. Now, not so much. You say you still think I’m sexy, but I’m just not feeling the love tonight. It’s not you; it’s me. Here’s why:

1. I have returned to my pre-teen state. And it’s awful. I have pimples all over not only my face, but my chest, too. This wasn’t a problem back when I was actually a pre-teen, since I almost went into cardiac arrest when a boy held my hand, let alone touched my chest. But there’s just something a little repulsive about you getting up close and personal with my boobne (that’s boob acne), even if you HAVE seen me give birth to three kids.

2. My sense of smell is out of control. Those onion rings you ate for lunch last Wednesday? I can STILL smell them on your breath. It’s not your fault. I know you’ve brushed and used mouthwash. I could seriously take over the job of a drug-sniffing K-9 right now, so the onion rings from a week ago are a total deal-breaker in the bedroom.

3. My body is doing some really gross shit. Literally. My digestive tract is confused, unsure. One minute I’m so constipated I think I’m going to explode, and the next minute, I pretty much do. Letting you get anywhere near my nether regions after this has been going on all day? No thank you.

4. My movement is limited. I am cumbersome. There’s really no other word to describe it. My belly is large and, to be honest, after all of that fast food I keep claiming eases my nausea, so is the rest of me. Please put your Kama Sutra away, because there’s not a whole lot of bendability going on at this point in my life. Sorry ’bout that.

5. We have an audience. I know the doctor said it would totally not be weird to have sex and that the baby would be oblivious, but seriously, would you do the dirty with one of our other kids in the room? Of course not. This little guy or gal doesn’t have a choice: he/she has got to ride out the motion of the ocean, and it’s SICK, I tell you! Sick!

My darling, my dear: I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My sex drive will one day return. Are you aware of the very, very small age gap between each of our kids? I rest my case.